On the Way of Exploration

New and unusual

2012-01-16T14:07:00.004Z

Since my decision few months ago to do more modelling I have done quite a big variety of things. (And it feel like I have been all over England too! :) )

I doing more and more of bondage which prove to be really great fun :). I have been suspended for the first time in December and spend few lovely minutes dangling up-side-down :).

I have done loads fo art nude stuff to (and I will try not to bore you too much with it, since there is little or no fetishy-kinky stuff in it).

But what really was unusual for me was working for D K Enterprise. A fairly new site, selling clips of girls wearing... well... rather more clothes than Im used to! LOL

I have to say I had rather more fun than I expected wearing, wriggling and rolling in all sort of latex, spandex... you name it, made of outfits.

And I had fun being restrained and tied down too!

And somewhat less fun, but great satisfation from getting free.

If you fancy that sort of stuff, or you don't know yet that you do, do go and have look. On the website you can find a steadily growing amount of clips ranging from struggling in bondage through breath play to..well....ehem...gas mask.

Sorry, couldn't resist to put one on ;)

You can find a couple of clips with me (including a rather simple and interesting recipe to make Kami cry) on the website so far, and if you like watch the space for me as there definitely will be coming more! :)

New and Old Year

2012-01-05T19:31:00.002Z

Hi Guys.

Hope New Year is treating you all good.

I finally found time myself to look at some blogs that I got out of habbit to check over the Christmas break one of Abel's recent most caught my eye.

I wanted a Wordle too for my blog! :)

I have no idea what time of period it includes. It looks like last year, which on my blog means not many posts. (Any idea how to check that?) But I do like it :)

Obviously, I care about REMEMBERing the SCENEs I LIKE...and BOYs...apparently LOL

Wish I had one from last year to compare :)

Have delightfully spankable year everyone! :) (I will ;) ).
Kami

Hand punishment

2011-11-25T22:24:00.007Z

For year I have been claiming - NOT my thing.

I would occasionally go for it, if reassured its not going to be hard.

There was this scene with Abel (what seems like ages ago) that I did because back then Abel was very-very nice to me and wouldn't do anything that hurt ;)

There was that big-massively long and wonderfully entertaining film for NSI and I was so buzzing on adrenaline that when asked I though 'What the hell? Why not?'

Later I found out that I had such a scared face that Lucy instinctively was holding back. That probably explains why I liked it, it WAS quite a nice experience actually :).

So why don't like hand punishment? Not enough padding. I feel the implement striking the bone/joint and that's not the good kind of pain. It's the illness-associated pain that has no place in my kinky fantasies. I'm fine if the strapping itself is light (caned being forever forbidden to touch my hand), but then who wants to see girl's hands strapped lightly? Especially after they have seen their ass being stripped, not so lightly at all?

During a recent shoot with Triple A Spanking (with whom I'm btw going to work on Monday, yay! :) ) I was asked if I'm OK with having my hand strapped. No straps that we had available looked innocent enough to do it but I found other implement (A wicker switch/birch, 5 or 6 twigs tied together).

And, Oh-My-Good I was instantly in love with it :). Quite rubbish on my bum as it doesn't hurt, but the feeling on my hands was great. So, basically, it was light enough not to hit the bone while stinging on the palm. And the swishing sounds through the air...mmmmmmm... :)

Following my successful experiment we were looking for some, similar enough implement with HH last time we played. Surprisingly he had no wicker switches lying around (so unacceptable for any top LOL), but we found a rather old and dry pomlazka (with the ribbon removed ;) ).

Being dried and old, thus light served the purpose rather nicely.

A girl (kill me, but I don't remember her name!) was brought back to school by a policeman after she had been apprehended trying to start a fight during a demonstration. A demonstration that took pace during school hours and which girls were therefore not allowed to attend.

She received three stroked on each hand before being bend over the end of the table for a caning. By the time first stroke of the cane cut I was blissfully floating away and happily sobbed my way through six-of-the-best.......mmmmmmmmmmmm.... :)

I think I need to re-evalute this whole idea that hand punishment's crap ;)

A new dimension of roleplaying

2011-11-17T16:29:00.004Z

I always claimed to be a roleplayer. Recently, I discovered a completely new dimension of roleplaying.

In a past doing a roleplay was some sort of excuse to become whomever I wanted. It allowed me to explore the explorable. Recently, however, doing a roleplay became too difficult, too exhausting. My mind simply didn't want to be bothered to pretend that I'm someone I'm not.

Carefully, I have been choosing to roleplay characters that I could believe are me. Carefully, I have been considering the idea of roleplaying not sure whether I can actually go with it. A recent scene with did with Abel or with HH slowly convinced me that my kink is back and again I can enjoy roleplays without having to persuade my mind to co-operate.

When Marlowe started teasing me with the idea of doing a 'darker scene' I was sold straight away :). His talking about scene when a broken girl cries begging for mercy just blew my mind.

It reminded me about the fantasies I used to have when I first started playing. Nation tightly controlled my the government, strict rules for everything, especially the ones describing moral behaviour. Think kinky version of V for Vendetta if that describes it for you better. The interrogation scene whose purpose is not to just get the information. A scene in which confession could possibly be just the beginning of the nightmare.

I think I might need to spare you the details of the scene we actually did. Mostly, because it's still a bit blurry (not too mention embarrassing!), but there are some things about that I know I will remember forever.

I remember the cuffs digging into my wrists and then I don't remember noticing it any more.
I remember feeling cold and then I became too distracted to notice.
I remember my hair annoying me trapped by the hood tickling my face and then it seemed that they weren't there anymore.

All these tiny annoying details, that usually threaten to take me out of the headspace that time were insignificant I was so thoroughly gone enjoying the fly.

I remember Marlowe's hand stroking my hip and leg, and his whispers that if I wouldn't tell him what he wanted to know he would soon have to start hurting me again. I remember feeling that I wanted to be hurt while tears filled my eyes yet again.

I remember wanting him to do ANYTHING. Needing his attention no matter how painful or humiliating.

Shortly after that, my mouth opened and I remember hearing myself say 'please let me be your toy'. And then I consented to be hurt or pleasured, whichever one would take his fancy.

I still can't imagine that we played for nearly 2 and a half hours. I can't imagine that I stayed in character all the way through. An I most certainly can't imagine where it took me. I personally don't believe that it's possible to experience Stockholm syndrome-like emotions during a roleplay. But if not then what the hell was I feeling?

PS. I tried electroplay (or should I say had it tried on me LOL) for the first time in this scene. I so absolutely loved it!!! :) I can't believe it took me 4 years to try it!!!

Switched

2011-11-09T19:10:00.003Z

You see, I already managed to forgot about my blog despite the attempts not to LOL

Abel posted today about non-scene scene we did recently. I thought I will supplement it with the photo taken shortly afterwards.

I love switches. The noise it makes when it cuts through the air. The swish just before it hits the flesh.

I like them thin and whippy.

And I like the fact that my bottom usually comes victorious while the switch ends up in pieces LOL

A stable boy

2011-10-24T23:20:00.003+01:00

Watching a movie recently about a girl who pretends to be a boy and gets punished like a boy made me want to play a scene in which I could be a boy to (and get punished ;) ).

That reminded me what I used to think about playing a boy when I first started my kinky adventures. I simply couldn't see a point to pretend to be someone I can't possibly be. Over the years however, my point of view changed.

First of all, traditionally boys get up to much more mischief and consequently get punished much more often. Secondly, punishment of boy seems to be simpler, less complicated and easier to fantasise about. I mean, I can't possibly imagine a boy running in tears, looking for parents because he got a little slap on the wrist. And I do can imagine, in a heart beat, a girl doing that. Any sort of (role)play for me is about what I can and cannot imagine. So if I'm in a mood for brisk, rather unsympathetic but fair punishment being a boy sounds like the right thing.

But what about being a girl who pretends to be a boy?

The concept sounded like a new things that definitely needed exploring, and the stable boy, James, was born. (S)he was a rather lazy boy, who took just one break too many during the day and was cought having a nap under the tree when (s)he should be working.

Pants went down and the boy was bent over to be whipped. So, boys are breave right? Well, maybe they are, but I'm not LOL. And soon, I was squealing in a very high pitched manner.

'Stop squealing like a girl, boy!' HH said in character to me.

And I tried. I really did. And failed quite miserably at it. More than that, in the attempt I have been tensing my whole body so badly that after few minutes my legs felt like I have been running for miles.

After the scene I collapsed on the bed simply unable to move aching all over. My ass was probably the only part of my body that didn't ache badly. It was nicely warm and burning just the way I like, but I have learnt one thing:

I make a very miserable and pathetic boy LOL

Quote of the day

2011-10-19T23:00:00.003+01:00

"Would you like another drink?"
"Not unless you are going to take advantage of me..."

Its is better if you don't ask about details of that conversation ;)

A visit from a policeman

2011-10-16T22:26:00.004+01:00

I moved a house recently. Unpacking took slightly longer than predicted. Having more storage space actually proved to be a challenge as I simply couldn't make my mind on where to put what. So when my life more or less got back to normal after the move I was still tripping over half unpacked boxes and loads of rubbish scattered on the floor.

Couple of days ago I was leaving the flat for my first kinky adventure from the new place. Just when I got ready and was about to leave the bell rang. My new place, being a fairly new one, is equipped with this fancy camera that lets you see who is waiting outside. Although mine is actually far from being fancy. a) the microphone doesn't work so I can't actually talk to the person. b) the angle of the camera sucks and I can't see much.

However I could see enough. In this case enough beig a uniform-belonging cap on whomever was wearing it. First I thought that he is just trying to get access to the property (10+ flats), so I opened the door for him and lazily looked around. Clearly a mess.

Only when he knocked on my door I suddenly realised that with the mess and unpacked boxes there is a quite a big chance there are canes and other stuff lying around. Quick look - nothing visible, but then, I could barely see the colour of the carpet under all that mess!

I opened the door, and there was this quite handsome looking (read old enough to be of any interest to me ;) ) met police officer. I must have really had a rather guilty looking expression because he started reassuring me that I have done nothing wrong (other than leaving a house and about to spend whole day doing filthy things that it is!) LOL

As we talked, and he indeed proved that I have done nothing wrong (if he just knew! LOL) I found myself with the need to either let the door slam in his face or let him in. Still not sure whether there were any canes lying on the floor!

This is definitely not a way a girl should resume her kinky life from a new flat! LOL

PS. Since I am writing this sitting at my new flat I obviously didn't get arrested - in case anyone w0ndered LOL

Anniversary!

2011-10-10T12:32:00.003+01:00

I almost missed it this year too.

Today is 4 years since I have been caned for the first time. I'm not going to risk an estimate how many times I have been caned since then, but its definitely way over 100 times.

I'm sentimental enough to wish that my first time was great, wonderful, amazing and all that. And I'm lucky to clearly remember that was a truly mind blowing experience. Sure that by todays standard it was very tamed, but back then it was all a newcomer to the scene needed. I played with a respectable top, who wanted to give me what I wanted/needed. I was in safe and experienced hands.

I think second photo was taken the next day.

There wasn't much roleplay involved. Back then, I was purely after sensation and a scene as such was not important. Instead, I could focus on the feeling when I was being smacked, belted, whipped with a crop and finally caned...mmmmmm... :) A full dozen in total to start my kinky life.

PS. I would die if someone tried to whack me so high these days LOL

Also the day came when Kami Robertson dives into the modelling world

2011-10-06T22:45:00.005+01:00

I have to say, that ditching full-time vanilla job has quite a lot of advantages :]

One of them...I have time to do more modelling!!! Hooray!!! :]

I have been toying with idea ever since I done my first spanking shoot with Northern Spanking, but if one barely has time to sleep and see friends every now then, that's all it was, an idea.

Until now :) Let me introduce you to my other website (that still needs loads of work, one day when I finally learn something about webdesign, I promise! LOL )

Miss Kami Robertson - modelling page

Have a look at some photos I put in there. Hope you like them.

PS. Actually, this post is just an excuse to boast that I know how to self-host a wordpress blog LOL Yeah, I know not much too be proud of, but trust me, I showed amazing amount of patientce to learn it! ;)
Oh yes, loads of credit goes to Adele Haze, who even more patiently survived a rain of emails from me with silly questions ;)

The day came when KAMI ROBERTSON started offering TOPPING SESSIONS

2011-10-05T22:00:00.007+01:00

So here it comes. After being asked and emailed many, many times whether I would top the answer finally is YES! Time came when Kami Robertson switched to the dark side and decided to make a good use of her new skills!

People say that inside of Kami Robertson’s mind is a scary place. People used to say that if I ever swap to the dark side – I will be scary. You can check it now for yourself!

If you are interested do have a look at my new website at www.MissKamiRobertson.com.

PS. I realised how few people actually reads this blog these days so its probably not the best place to advertise. If you have some suggesting what are the best places to advertise (as in, where would you look yourself for example) do let me know.

What's behind?

2011-10-02T15:23:00.011+01:00

From the early days I was always fascinated by extreme situations. Entering into the kinky world presented itself with virtually unlimited possibilities of 'extremes'.

I have been introduced to strangers through roleplays, no just once but more times.
I threw myself into exploration of many different fetishes/play activities including nettles, tabasco, rape and abuse scenes, caning in snow and more I have never written about.

I suppose I do have a little bit of 'tick it on the list' obsession. I thrive on new experiences and I rarely hesitate having an opportunity to explore a new one.

However, despite the love for intense, edgy and extreme scenes I never found myself craving a severe (pain-wise) scene. I simply do not have a severity fetish. I love crying like mad and feeling miserable BECAUSE of the pain, but the truth is, I don't need to be pushed very far to cry. So despite having a very long list of intense scenes I played a 'hard, cold, school-type caning' remained unticked.

Following my recent post on taking a caning stoically my mind carried on with similar fantasies. At the same time I was also reading Abel's stories and one of them ("The Punishment List") blew my kinky mind entirely. Why this one? I'm not really sure. Perhaps because it is so easy to identify with the offences Alice Meadows committed. Anyway, since I read it I was dying to play it out.

It didn't take much convincing to have Abel wanting to play it out too ;). So there I was, my fate sealed. Especially after I have sent him a rather short and concise email:

"I want to play. I want to play the story. And I want to play hard. I don't want you to go easy on me. I don't want you to rush. I want to feel every stroke. And I don't want you to hold back. Please, don't hold back.

There. I have said it. Now I will go away hoping Saturday will never come."

But Saturday did come. My ever pessimistic me was giving me to worst case scenarios. 1st, I will break after the first stroke, collapse on the floor crying and won't be able to play which no doubt would make Abel feel guilty for pushing me so hard. 2nd, I will be crying so badly Abel won't be able stand that and will start going easy on me for which I probably would have felt like killing him.

The idea that I might actually survive 8 cold strokes in touch your toes position, having every stroke repeated and one more added at the end if move out of the position and then a second part of the punishment consisting of the same amount of strokes while bend over the arm of the sofa, did not cross my mind.

And surviving is exactly what I did. I'm not going to go melodramatic saying that I had no idea hard, cold caning get hurt so much. After 4 years of playing and a rather colourful imagination I knew exactly how much a caning can hurt.

What I didn't know is that I can survive it. No words can describe what I felt. I always had this curiosity of what's behind. You know, behind the most extreme pain a person can voluntary submit to. Behind the suffering when you think you will go mad if it won't stop. Behind the pain that pushes you right to the limits of your ability to cope and process it.

It HURT so much. I mean, I know it must have. Actually I don't remember the pain itself (I think my mind blanked it out to protect me). But I know it hurt.
I remember the screams.
I remember crying my eyes out.
I remember digging my fingers into my ankles in the desperate attempt to hold the position (I actually bruised my left ankle).
I remember the madness in my head
I remember felling, KNOWING I can't possibly take another stroke, not to mention another dozen or more.
I remember collapsing on the floor.
I remember choking and gasping for air.
I remember having almost no control over my body and not being able to lift myself up after one of the strokes.

And I do remember surviving somehow.

When the first part of the punishment was over (and I moved out of position only twice) I was asked to put a signature in a punishment book. My hand was shaking so bad I could hardly hold the pen and just when I straightened my body I felt sweat dripping down my spine and between my breasts. The room was fairly chilly.

Then I remember being lectured that if I was just an ordinary schoolgirl that would be the end of the punishment but as I was a head girl the whole punishment was to be re-administered. I remember closing my eyes and soaking and thriving on the fear the news produced. And then, I don't remember anymore what the headmaster said. I drifted away, deep into a headspace so thoroughly I don't even remember how I walk towards the sofa and bent over.

The rest of the caning, as absurdal as it sound was one of the most calming and relaxing experiences of my life. By the end of it Alice was gone and I emerged from the headspace gently and slowly feeling so fucking proud of myself no words will ever be able to describe that either.

I might have been far away from being stoic but the knowledge of how much pain I suffered and survived is a real treasure to me.

First thing that Abel told me was "You were so brave, I know it must have really hurt". Funnily, I was just about to say the same to him. I know it was hard for him too. Seeing me on the floor. Screaming. Crying. A messy and shaking pile of wrinkled clothes, untidy hair and loads of tears. And then watching me struggling to get back into the position and whacking the cane down just as hard...

But he didn't hold back. Thank you so much! :)

Shoplifting

2011-09-27T09:38:00.003+01:00

For the last couple of weeks I have systematically been sorting photos on my computer. (Yes, most of them picture me naked or semi-naked ;) ). I found some I completely forgot about. And I also found these.

I don't think they are on the Nortern Spanking website yet, but one day they will be so I thoght I will tease you a bit.
She comes up with a very clever idea, you see. She takes a set of a nice and no doubt very expensive lingerie and goes to the changing room to try it on. And then...opsss she forgot to take it off. Puts her clothes back and tries to leave.

And almost suceedes. Almost.

Sales assistant has up to his ears of little thieves coming and stealing whatever they feel like and he decides to take matter into his own hands this time.

He doesn't only smack the poor girl (panties providing little if any protection).

But he also humiliates the girl by making her take of the stolen underwear in front of him.

And then, if that wasn't enough he paddles her.

Even I envy him the job on days like that! :)

Meet Tayla

2011-09-25T17:38:00.008+01:00

Many different characters were created by me and/or the top I was playing with. Some of the girls existed for a short period of time. Forgotten once the scene was over.
Some girls, despite my effort to keep them alive and around for longer ceased to exist as others took their place.

But there were these few girls that just its impossible to forget about. Girls that come back over and over again. Girls that were abused and used by different characters, sometimes even by different tops.

One of these girls that keep coming back over and over again was Tayla.

She is an American girl. Born and raised in a small town where everyone knows everyone. Her family is fairly well off, her father an important figure, well known and respected. Tayla is a bright girl, maybe a bit naive and childish, but in a cute way really. One day she went off to college and quite happily left the little town behind. Exchanged it for the wonderful university life; full of boys, parties and fun.

Each summer, each break between term she comes home to stay with her parents. She comes back to the little town where everyone knows her. Where nothing she does goes unnoticed. She really has a bad luck. She simply can't stay away from trouble. Not that she tries all that hard, mind you. I find it impossible now to recall all the thing she did. There was so many of them!

Once she was caught having sex with a local boy in her car. And when challenged by a town Sheriff the boy run away leaving her to suffer the consequences.

Some other time she was driving under the influence of alcohol and ruined a lovely flower bed that the town inhabitants spent weeks making.

Later on there was some sort of celebration going on in the town to which she came drunk and very indecently dressed. Risking embarrassing her father.

Oh, yes. Her father. As I mentioned he is a very important figure. And he can't possibly allow his only daughter to make an embarrassment of him, can he now? So he made a deal with the town Sheriff. In order to keep all the things she daughter has done from becoming a public knowledge, from leaking into the local newspapers he gave the sheriff write to punish his daughter the way he thinks necessary. And he gave him a wooden paddle.

Needless to say the Sheriff never looked back and happily accepted the agreement. Each time, he caught Tayla he brought her quietly to the police station through the back door. He had a trestle there that he procured especially for these occasions. Each time, he had Tayla bend over and stretch her bottom tightly. Each time, he applied the wooden paddle to her soft skin until the defiance gave way to sobbing and pleading.

Soon other cops learnt that they can whack this cute chick if they caught her breaking the law even the slightest. And Tayla never even realised that the agreement gave only the Sheriff the right to paddle her. She never realised it because she knew that her father would punish her again, at bedtime, whacking his belt across her already bruised bottom, so she kept quiet.

Each time following a punishment tear-stained Tayla promised to do better. And trust, she DID mean it! She really did. Each time she was bent over that damn trestle, her bottom burning she felt like being the best behaved girl in the world. Each time she felt her fathers belt painfully cutting into her tender flesh she swore to do better.

But then she went back to college. Away from the little town where everyone knew her. Back to the big life she loved so much. And she forgot. How much being paddled hurts. How much being belted hurts. How scared she always was when the sheriff kept her in the cell for few hour for her to sober before he punished her.

And despite meaning to do better, she was back in her little home town within few months getting into as much trouble as before and becoming re-acquaintant with the paddle. And the belt.

***

I love becoming Tayla. I know that to some it might sound as a really sad story. But from the way I look at it, she is quite a lucky girl. So happy-go-lucky. A little bit naive. Happily going through life and enjoying it. She isn't stupidly grounded or forbidden to go to back to college to her friends. She is just punishes there and then fro wrong doing and everything is forgotten. Like the life would be if I could create my perfect world.

Please keep the girl entertained

2011-09-20T20:33:00.008+01:00

Sometimes I wonder how much crap a person can take before breaking. Sometimes I wonder how much crap _I_ can take before breaking.

As the life progresses I realise that a human being seems to be able to deal with infinite amount of crap. Don't feel sorry yet for me, nothing MAJOR has happened. These really all these tiny things. They can get fixed and so on, but as soon as I fix/have it fixed another one appears.

Today I wished I did break so I don't need to deal with it anymore. But I didn't, although my ability to have any kinky thought vanished completely and I think I might need couple of weeks recovery time.

So I thought that in the meantime instead of me entertaining you, you can entertain me :) I found these photos on my hard drive while cleaning couple of days ago. I love them :) Do tell what happened to this girl, I would love to know what's on your mind... I dare you!!!

PS. If you feel like your imagination might take you over the decent size for the comment feel free to email it to me and I will repost it as a blogpost (anonymously or linking to whatever blog/website you might be running) :)

Being (not so) stoic

2011-09-15T09:48:00.004+01:00

I have been reading some kinky filth (*read lovely, kinky stories ;) ) yesterday night. Suddenly I had this weird thought. Could I take a caning while being absolutely stoical? Could I take it without moving out of position?

A dozen would sound ideally. But I'm not as much of a optimist. Let's say 6. Could I take a well-measured 6 strokes of the cane without a warm-up and without moving out of position?

Suppose it depends on the day and how I feel. But even assuming the kinkiest day of my life I'm sure the answer is no. And that prompted more thoughts. Why am I so stoic pain-wise in vanilla situations but not in kinky? Why is it so easy to cry during or after a scene but so few vanilla people ever saw me crying?

Or what's more important can my head go into a headspace that would allow me take any caning stoically? Can fear of the pain be sufficient to get me into a headspace?

I have no idea why I got so obsessed with the subject so suddenly. I have never cared much about being stoic. On the contrary as someone who started exploration of the kink through spanking shoots (Gosh! Almost 4 years ago!!!) its the reaction to the pain I always cared about. I like wriggling, I like moving out of position, I like flinching...and I like removing my hair to let the top (on camera or in private play) see that I cry. All that is part of me by now, its who I am when I play not someone I choose to become.

Why on earth would I now have a fantasy of being stoic? I wonder how it actually feels to 'come victorious' from a scene. Maybe if I knew that I would also know why I suddenly crave it.

How a girl learnt not to flick other people nose's

2011-09-12T18:50:00.005+01:00

Couple of days ago Abel, Haron and me went to a restaurant for dinner. During the long waiting the inner child in me became increasingly bored and various mischievous ideas crossed my mind. As I was soon about to find out I probably decided on the worst one!

I reached with my hand above the table to flick Abel's nose (I know, lame ;) ). I must have misjudged the distance because instead of being mildly annoying I actually managed to hurt him quite badly. And the sound was so loud that I swear everyone in the restaurant must have heard! I mumbled apologies after apologies but before I realised Able was standing next to me.

'Come with me outside,' he said.

Utterly mortified I wanted to resist. Then a thought crossed my mind. The more noise I make resisting the bigger the chance that people would stare. In submissive silence I followed Abel outside, hopeing probably in vain that no one noticed. At the back of my head was this slight comfort that at least I was being taken outside.

Abel guided me behind the corner and told me to put my hands on the wall. Relieved that no one could see us I obeyed. I felt my jumper being folded aside and felt even more relieved to realise that my trousers were to stay on. He started smacking me and I remember my surprise that despite being so humiliated and mortified I could still feel pain.

After a quick hug we returned to the restaurant where I sat very quietly...at least until I stopped shaking and I felt brave enough to open my eyes and remove hair obscuring my face.

I have never been so mortified in my entire life! Abel Jenkins, you are a scary men sometimes! :)

Tops and the pleasure of topping

2011-09-10T13:04:00.005+01:00

By looking at how most kinky girls evolved and changed over the years it is not uncommon to find bottom/subs gradually or even quite suddenly to swap to the 'dark' side and become tops/dommes.

I always find myself having different level of trust when playing with a girl who used to be a bottom for many years. I don't really fancy being topped by a women on a psychological level often but on a physical level I have no worries whatsoever. Girls can be mean, but on the whole they tend to know perfectly well HOW to be mean. At the same time I find myself ready and willing to forgive a girl when she was topping me much easier. Don't get me wrong I never hold grudges over scene that didn't work, the stroke that went astray or similar with guys either. All I expect is to my definite no's and safewords to be respected. But with ex-bottoms/switches girls there is this additional 'if you fancy doing something just do no need to ask' kind of attitude.

At the same time I always resisted the desire to top a girl myself fearing of getting it wrong. I caned guys on parties many times. Not a roleplay or anything just canings. One girl in the passed stamped her feet at the idea of being caned by me which made me all the less willing to try it the next time. My toppish desires however were still somewhere deep in me and truth to be told my first ever fantasies were about me being a top. In a way it I knew it would be a matter of time before I will try.

Part of me lazily enjoyed being a bottom and didn't want it to change. Someone else being responsible, using you, abusing, taking what they want. Also, there wasn't really anyone kinky I would genuinely want to play with/top I knew until recently.

And then suddenly I found myself holding a cane and being encouraged to use it. And there was this girl, Lily, in front of me, partially stripped, her hands secured... A girl (or should I more correctly say a woman) full of most deligthfull contradiction I can imagine. From one side you see extremely inteligent and successful in life person and from the other side a very sensual kinky soul with this something in her face that makes it impossible to resist.

I was dying to use this cane but at the same time I was so scared I could hardly think. I caned guys before, I caned guys harder than I have ever been caned myself and I knew can be accurate, but I have never caned a girl before. And then and there I was freaking out about getting it wrong. I remember feeling dizzy and quickly realised I forgot to breath, not a good beginning.

Now when I look back at this situation that happened more than 6 months ago I do realise that my worries were...well slightly exagerated. More has happened since then and I like to hope even more will in the future. I always have a comfort of her partner, Marlowe, being there, playing with us/her to stop me before I will do something utterly silly.We don't play heavy, more on the sensual side (for the lack of better word to describe it). Watching Lily respond and react to what happens to her is so amazingly powerful to watch. Sometimes I just feel like I could sit and watch her and Marlowe play for hours.

Nimphs in woods

2011-08-29T21:20:00.008+01:00

I have heard recently interesting rumours.

If are very careful and very patient you might on occasion catch a glipmse of a nimph wondering around in the woods.

They have of course their favourite spots,

but no one so far figured out where.

This one, seems to be fond of rivers. As far as I heard she wonders off for a stroll in nearby river quite often.

If you are patient you might catch her taking her aternoon nap.

Some of them seems to be longing for some more 'attention' but to the best of my knowledge none ever dared to...sociolise with a human.

Be careful then, nimphs don't like being watched too intruisively either.

They value their privacy.

And once scared they will simply spread their wings and you will never see them again.

Highs and l... Highs of the NOTC

2010-11-22T23:17:00.005Z

So, Night of the Cane, Ladies and Gentlemen. A little bit delayed, but I always say better later than never! ;)

My personal fun started on the tube. (God bless the central line for existing LOL) It was properly crowded and HH decided to take advantage of it. Before I had a chance to protest his hands were pinching my nipples (no, not through the fabric of my dress) and doing other rude things (no, not through the fabric of my panties). And I was doing my best to keep a straight face and pretend nothing, ABSOLUTELY nothing was going on LOL.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depend how you look at it) tube got uncrowded pretty quickly and HH's hands have withdrawn very quickly and the whisper that someone was watching followed.

Without more (un)necessary delayed with got to the place. And indeed, as advertised huge venue and very well suited for such event welcomed us. However my initial curiosity nearly got replaced with disappointment. After all this reviews and accounts of NOTC from previous years I expected to see at least few familiar faces. I saw none (although few guys recognised me).

Fairly on at the beginning HH decided to ask organisers on their policy on nudity. After hearing that there is none (policy on nudity) I knew nothing would make him lose that occasion.

Before I managed to vocalise my concerns (that someone after all might mind my full nudity – seriously I haven't seen anyone else going fully naked!) my sexy dress and underwear were lying on the floor.

(Yes, I really said SEXY dress. This night Kami looked sexier than ever. A deliberate attempt I made to avoid hearing I look cute! Hooray! 100% success :) )

I body was spread-eagled in vertical position holding on to a very Halloween-like spider web. I could almost hear people passing by, I could almost feel them stopping and watching every now and then, but I couldn't be sure. Most of the time when I play I keep my eyes closed for the sake of good playing and to concentrate on feeling. This time I was simply afraid of opening my eyes just to find out NO ONE was watching.

Of course, for HH leaving me on display would be hardly enough. He kept molesting me, smacking my breasts and bottom, whispering scary things.

I went to the club as a complete slut I my head, and this little scene pushed me into slutiness even more. I wanted people to watch, I wanted people to play with, to use me. I wanted to be a slut.

When HH decided to cane me pain hardly mattered. As long as I could sense people watching, and by then I actually KNEW they were watching, I could take it all motionlessly if he asked. Just before caning took me over the edge of my headspace HH finished and pushed my body towards the net.

And...there were actually three, not just one, people willing to play with me. Confident enough to join in, touch me, pinch my nipples, smack my bottom at HH invitation.

I remember a quick thought crossing my mind just when one of the Mr. Strangers touched my breast 'what if he will pinch too hard!', but then I was just complete gone. Melting with happiness...

It was my fantasy for a while to be on display in a public place. However I read enough blog posts written by frustrated girl who went to the fetish club, their boyfriend/master/husband tied them naked and left for others to touch. And what? None did. They were too ashamed to even watch... :(. All that almost put me off ever trying. But I'm so glad I did... I mean we did... I mean HH did ;)

I was bloody lucky people did decide to join in. And had a very skillful top make them feel they are welcome :). And yes, I like to think I was squeaking in a very inviting way too ;)

I never even noticed who the third guy was (the one closest to the window). If you are reading it (or any of you three are) please say hi. You made my evening guys! With HH's help that is ;)

(* Oh, and I complete forgot to mention I caned few bums...I mean lovely guys ;) myself. Scary, I can cane harder than I have ever been caned... And accurate enough I would say. I was very happy to hear that it look effortless when I cane. I always liked tops doing whatever they do in effortless way, I think it looks better, art wise. :) )

NOTC

2010-10-30T00:17:00.002+01:00

Hello again,

After like ages...I know...I know.

The thing is, I just got my Internet connection back, after what feels like ages LOL and thought I will write a quick blogpost.

During my silence loads of things changed, went up-side-down and back to normal again. I moved to London for one thing and started what seems like a completly new life LOL

There is of course loads of consequences of my decision (like 6 tubelines closed tomorrow which limits my exploration options) with which I think I wont bore you on this occasion.

There is however one particular consequence I quite like myself. I'm finally close by to go to the Night of the Cane - finally :)

Anyone going?

If so, see ya there. I hope it will be good. I mean, I have been waiting for it for three years ;)

Back?

2010-07-09T16:57:00.003+01:00

Looks like I might be back...but hey...you never know...
Where I was?
Hmmm...Everywhere and nowhere.
I feel a little bit like a certain girl I heard a story of.

Unresponsive...

Taken down with the stream of water...

Oblivious...

Waiting...

...

Yet...Far away for being dead and only waiting to wake up.

And now, let's all forget the bad poetry of mine and move to admiring my braveness ;) Doesn't look so, but the water was freezing COLD! My brain still seems half frozen! LOL

I have to say I don't feel awfully proud or anything, however I do feel quite a lot of satisfaction from the simple fact I CAN do it if I want (read if HH persuades me ;) )

A page from a diary of a very happy girl.

2010-03-23T23:54:00.002Z

So much has happened since I have done a kinky scene for the first time that I barely remember how it was at the beginning. True, I was mostly to overwhelmed with the experience and too shy to truly appreciate what was going on, but there has been more to it. Something that playing, and getting to know the kink as whole completely removed from the experience.

The fear of unknown.

I forgot how powerful it can be, how exciting and exhilarating. The more I know myself, the kink and most importantly the top the less I'm scared. No matter what the roleplay, if I know what the top is capable of, true fear will never be something I will feel.

I'm rubbish at meeting people, and truth is, that what seems like ages I haven't met anyone „on my own”, only through the friend of friend. Usually the person had blog or a reputation to follow. Also, each time I met first the top side of the guys before I got to know what kind of person he is.

Recently I started playing with guy (let's call him BJ – if you know him, you know who I mean, if not, then BJ it is ;) ) I did „met on my own” a while ago but there was no interest to play, at least on my part, until recently. I could, perhaps wrongly, sense that his headspace is bit different than mine, that he is, to some extend, into that whole submissiveness weird kind of thing. And I, used to avoid that impossible to understand thing with all my heart.

I used to.

Now, when I know myself and my kink, and I trust myself more, I'm not so anal about the whole submissive-realated thing – and it doesn't seem to be so weird any more – although I still am not into it as such. However, I do embrace it as a new experience, while with the right person. Sometimes it's like taking a deep breathe, inhaling the „submissiveness” suspended in the air and enjoying how relaxing and calming it can make me feel inside.

So once the submissive-related worries were no more a problem I found myself wanting a lot to play with BJ, get to know him and his little crazy world. Surprisingly it wasn't difficult (after all, simple bending over is sometimes good enough for a hint ;) ) but it felt much weirder that I could have expected. First time he smacked me, I suddenly become that shy, uncertain, little one I was at the very beginning. When I go all so unsure of everything I go quiet and unresponsive, so needless to say I screwed up that first play completely – damn!

I felt overwhelmed with that fear of unknown. I knew the guy to know he is a safe person – but that's it, I had (and still have) no idea of what he really is into, and what style as top he might be.

Part of me wished he would push me into something more that just bit of CP, but as I learned a lot at the beginning safe and careful people don't usually do that. So he didn't and I was rather incapable of hinting anything at that moment.

And then few weeks has passed before today.

It truly made my day, actually as my last week was rather crap it made my week if not more.

I like when I don't have to spell out I want to play, I like when a simple gesture like having a look at dungeon is enough. This time, I was ready for that „fear of unknown” thing. I enjoyed the adrenaline rush when a „stranger” wrapped a rope around me (I only wish I was naked ;) ). I thrived on not knowing, not even being able to guess, what will happen the next minute.

I still can't believe that the two things he's chosen to do to me when the two things I'm the biggest slut for. And I swear that one he might have read between lines from the blog, but I NEVER mentioned the second one – I swear! LOL

That was really amazing. Not much endorphins and flying, I guess it's this or that. Endorphins don't really go that well with fear for me. And know when I think about it, it's about the same moment when newness stopped overwhelming me and I started having my endorphins highs. In a way, my kinky exploration made a full circle. I'm back where I started from, yet possessing all the information of HOW to explore. And this is just so fu***** COOL :)

And I want SO MUCH more :)
And I can't wait to play with him more. I'm going to enjoy myself so much...

*squirm* *squirm* I still feel that rope between my legs

(excuse all the spelling mistakes, it's been a heavy couple of weeks ;) )

A deserved (?) punishment

2010-03-12T21:27:00.000Z

While I play with editing some photos to finish the story about riding the pony I though I will entertain you with how I kept my kinky mind occupied on Monday. I had a long boring lecture, a) not my area of interest at all, b) guy was talking to the floor, but some, a rather small detail got my attention.

He was using a pointer, a very cane-like looking, slightly flexible metal stick, with nicely rounded tip. I could almost hear it swishing through the air. I could almost feel it on my bare flesh. Cutting through. Burning.

I couldn't stop my mind wondering.

Soon, with my eyes closed I have been deep into a rather lovely fantasy.

There was that girl, also at uni, probably first year. Thinking she has ages till exams and not paying much attention to what she was being taught. She let herself daydream few minutes too long and was caught red-handed.

The lecturer (let's make him a professor for the sake of my enjoyment ;) ) was really being fed with people not listening and falling asleep in the middle of his oh-so-important talk. This time he decided to make an example of the girl and humiliate her publicly.

He asked her to step down, bend over the desk and the canie pointer cut through her virgin bottom leaving painful marks under her thin trousers.

He might have asked her to take down her panties or not...I will leave that for you to decide...

(I almost remember writing having a similar fantasy, just not THAT vivid. I also think I posted it, but can't find it now. Funnily I had both of those fantasies in the same lecture theatre...a kinky room or what? LOL)

Nonreassuring safeword

2010-02-26T14:59:00.004Z

I assume people invented and keep using safe words to make a play safer and easier.

I'm not really surprised it makes neither safer nor easier for me. Don't shout I'm mental and dangerous though, until you will finish reading the post.

I hate safewords, they never increase the amount of trust or the safety feeling.

The simplest explanation is that if a top insist on choosing a safeword my mind translates it as 'It's your responsibility to stop the play if you need, I'm not going to bother and try to understand your reaction or try to assess how much pain you are in, I'm just going to whack you'.

I KNOW it's not what any descent top would meant by wanting to play with chosen safeword, but that's just the first thought that pops straight into my mind. Can't help it.

Of course I can't imagine playing without a way to stop the play if I feel like. I just never left a need for one chosen, awkward word.
Some people like colours like green, yellow and red.
Or something more unusual like 'butterfly'.

So let me ask a question - why?

Isn't it easier (when I'm in headspace thinking 'butterfly' doesn't seem to be easy), more natural and scene preserving to just say what I think?

Like 'strap wraps', 'please, don't hit me so high', 'I can't take it' etc.? I know myself and my mind and I know I would never enjoyed the feeling of a strap wrapping or my tail bone being hit so that seems to be a reasonable request any top should/will respect.
I don't need to go out of character, safeword, explain what's the problem and then try to go back into play-mood.

As far as 'I can't take it' goes... That's probably the closest thing to a safeword anyone can get out of me. And again, that's impossible I would use that phrase in a roleplay to protest it just doesn't work.

There is also a lot word-less reactions that point pretty clearly that I'm struggling for real (of course that needs number of previous roleplays for the top to get to know me a bit). Though I like to think play-wise I'm rather easy to read. I touch my bum if the stroke was too much (I mean why would I try to steal from myself the lovely feeling if it was indeed lovely? LOL). My squeaks die off when I concentrate on coping with pain. And more.

The whole matter is of course far more easier during shooting, when simple 'cut' solves everything. But I never felt a need to cut during video work, it's so much easier to 'take it' on camera amount of pain was hardly my problem ever.

Maybe the whole safeword aversion is just because I'm rather a simple person? Plausibility and authenticity over acting? Instinct over planned reactions?

Anyway, I wonder whether someone would share their idea on safewords and happy they are to use them?

Non-self self-punishment

2010-02-26T14:58:00.006Z

Self spanking always seemed to me to be a very awkward activity. I doubt I have actually ever tried it except for few smacks with widely available wooden spoon (who doesn't have that in the kitchen? LOL) to check how it feels. And I remember no real interest in it. Later on, I kept joking 'why should I hurt myself if I have other people to do that?'

Being in control of amount of pain, speed of spanking, frequency of smacks just doesn't do for me. Having someone else to do it for me and feeling (or illusion) that I'm not in control is a key element. But...

Is there any punishment that would work for me in the form of self-punishment (strictly roleplay related, not real-life stuff)?

I always liked thinking that there is and now I know so.

In theory anything, that when applied provides steady or slightly building-up discomfort/pain should work. Something that requires single application/use not like spanking repeated blows. It makes sense really. Steady stream of feelings provides the punishment while my mind can concentrate on it without having to be distracted with thinking of reapplying the thing. At the same time it takes enough control away from me so that I can't decide when it's supposed to end. (I can feel question rising in me head - 'Is it really a self-punishment if I can't control when it ends?')

And it's bloody hot at the same time, I was always so much more into constant building up of feeling/discomfort/pain than short sharp shock (though I can't deny enjoying the second one as well).

So when I was enjoying myself immensely, the same cannot be said about a Slave-girl who happened to occupy the same body at that time.

She did something wrong, probably she just didn't try hard enough so she was sent upstairs to punish herself. As instructed she stripped completely, leaving her clothes in a net pile on the bed.

She put hand cuffs around her wrists making sure they are tight so that she won't get free while pulling.

Then she put cuff around her ankle and straddled the board.

After cuffing her second ankle she reached towards elastic rope and hooked her hands.

And so, standing on her tiptoes, wooden board kept pressing against her girlie bits. She balanced her weight as best as she could, but elastic rope made it impossible to lift her body even for a second.

She could of course let herself free, but she didn't dare, he could have come in at any moment...
And she knew that assuming position takes to much time...she wouldn't have made it...
Not that she even thought about cheating...

Maybe she wanted to please him, maybe she knew she deserved the pain or maybe she was simply afraid of what he might do to her.

Breathing steadily she could feel her body trembling under the influence of strain put on her body and pain.

And then he entered the room, but that was hardly the end of punishment...

Unexpected discovery - when vanilla stops being vanilla

2010-02-18T23:45:00.002Z

I kept having the feeling last week that I was forgetting something. Now I know what it was, I forgot about my blog LOL

I realise that last posts differ rather significantly to what I used to write about. Point is I feel like I started every possible subject play related and didn't finish any of them. At the same time it feels like if I will write again about scenes I did I'm going to repeat myself.

Also, I tried, empirically, rather a lot and I feel like I know my sexuality, my needs and my desires. Though, I don't really understand it all yet. The biggest mystery is WHY something work for me while other thing does absolutely nothing.

Recent surprise with forced exercising left me very thrilled and enthusiastic. Two weeks ago I got back my pain tolerance back and I become rather extremely susceptible to kinky stimuli.

But I had no idea HOW much.

I always considered needles play as a limit just because with no explainable reason - not that anyone every actually asked me whether I was up for it. I knew though it's a fantasy I will revisit one day. My ongoing back/leg problem led to some experience with acupuncture for the first time in early December.

First I was too concerned and worried about my back to notice it but as I got a little bit better over the last few weeks it became clear to me that the powerfulness of the experience was due to something else as well.

Last time just after the second needle went in I felt tears running down my face. And there and then I was just lying with huge tears silently soaking into paper towel. Without kinky scene. Without any prior headspace. And without any significant pain really. Why?

Once he got all the needles out more tears came and felt one of the hugest endorphins rush I EVER felt. I was just drifting away, lost and completely dissociated from reality. Flying so high I really didn't know how to come back.

For the rest of the visit I sat there, more tears appearing every now and then absolutely unable to have any coherent conversation.

I remember my doc showing me some exercises and then asking me whether I feel up to doing it so he correct if necessary. I remember thinking what I wanted to say but there was no way I could vocalise my thoughts.

Just like in the early roleplays when I realised I couldn't talk.

Eventually I stuck to simple 'yes' and 'no' when appropriate. There was no way for me to overcome that high. All I needed was a hug and few minutes to come back. (Or more abuse ;) )

I must have really looked miserable as I could actually see his hands twitching to give me a hug though he professionally decided upon some patting on the shoulder.

He is really a good professional and observer so I didn't need to reassure him it's not the physical experience i.e. reaction to acupuncture-related pain, yet he deserved SOME explanation. Saying that my 'lack of control' was a 'mental thing' was kinda true. When he took is as me being worried and upset by the state of my back I just nodded. Yes, that purely were my worries, and the huge completely unexpected endorphins rush had NOTHING to do with it LOL Anyway, how I could explain that his needles per se gave me high bigger than I could expected in my wildest dreams? ;)

Now I feel sort of reluctant to go back to it. Being on such a kinky-related high in a vanilla company is not a very comfortable thing. And I expect I will stay rather oversensitive to kinky stimuli for a while...
Not to mention that it IS scientifically proven that acupuncture DOES cause realase of endoprhins LOL And then of course combine it with such a endorphins slut like me and you get the picture LOL

Not my fetish

2010-02-10T21:18:00.006Z

People do lists of things they are not into and I have realised I have never made one. Each time someone asks me what are my "hard limits" I modulate the list depending upon what kind of person HE is. But how about a general "not my fetish list"?

So here it goes...

1. Severity
It might come as a surprise to some of you, and it actually a little bit of surprise to me as well, but I absolutely do not have a severity fetish.
Some people say I can take a lot. And the truth is yes, I can, but I don't really want to.
It's a little bit like "I have been there, I have done that". I much more prefer lighter play that I can savour and enjoy than hard play that I can only survive.
As far as severity goes I need it only as hard as my my mind and body need it that day to "react".

2. Bastinado
Honestly, I WISH I was into in, but I'm not :( It seems to fit some of my hottest fantasies so well..

3. Strap/cane on hands
Tried it. Feeling wood or leather on my joints is NOT fan.

4. Oral sex.
That's another thing I WISH I could do. Not like sex - a vanilla thing - but a forced oral sex/mouth fucking. Would be useful to be able to do it, but my instinct in the form of gag reflex is just too strong. Put ANYthing inside my mouth and I'm gonna puke, it's not a thread, just a fact ;)

5. Erotic spanking/spanking for pleasure
Surprise, surprise ;)

6. Kissing
Eek! Saliva stays inside owner's mouth, doesn't travel to other people mouth (or other part of the body for that matter) as far as I'm concerned! LOL
And for references of a tongue trying to get inside my mouth check #4.

There was a funny situation during the last summer, when I had a crazy idea of getting drunk, going to a club and ending up having sex with a vanilla guy in a toilet. My attempt finished when he started kissing me during the dancing. I very politely resist the urge to push him away, survived till the end of the song and then went to the toilet...to wash my mouth LOL And that was pretty much the end of my attempt to have sex with a vanilla guy LOL (Though Abel had a rather hot idea related to it when I told him that story, so maybe it's not the definite end ;) )

7. Tickling
My skin is so ridiculously sensitive, that if you try to tickle me I'm going to bite, kick, scratch and so much more ;)
By the way, stroking = tickling for me LOL

8. Anger
Aggression breeds aggression. If someone fakes/projects anger it's extremely difficult for me not to return the anger. And when I feel angry I can't submit to the situation and play.
It seemed at first to me to be a good idea to make me scared in the play, but it never works like that.

9. Shouting
Or rather being shouted at. As above, it makes me angry. To some extend I can live with raised voice in some scenes, such as prison scenarios, but only when it's shouting TO me not AT me. I think personally that shouting is the most unkinky thing I ever came across so far.
It's kind of surprising I suppose I react like that...

10. Ropes + CP
I like bondage, for the sake of bondage or for some torment-play like activities. But it just doesn't work for me with being beaten. My pain tolerance decreases at least twice, probably more making me feel so utterly whimpy and silly it just doesn't work. I need freedom in my hands and legs to cope with pain.

There is probably more, so I might update the list...I wonder though, whether I will be able to cross any number out one day in the future?

Girl that should have never been caned.

2010-02-06T23:03:00.011Z

Yes, there are certain types of girls that should never be caned. At least in my fantasy world.

In MY fantasy there is no place to cane a girl that is just bad. Bad like bad. To cane a girl and have any effect you need to refer to her intelligence, not consider her to be 'bad desited to be thrashed'. You need to see a person there that needs help, not punishment.

Imagine two girl in front of you.

One, coming from a good family, with some good education received from her parents, responsible, at least fairly intelligent that recently fallen into love with the wrong kind, met his friend and recently started smoking.

Second, left to herself years ago, no figure of authority in her life, constantly rebellious against anyone and anything, skipping lessons, smoking, drinking.

And then imagine yourself holding a cane on the side of the room. Do you really think you can stand ANY chance trying to teach some sense the second girl? Do you really think that when she thinks she has whole world against herself she is going to listen? Do you really think you reach out to her? Are YOU able to listen to her?

In such situation any physical punishment to me would be like physical violence. Just another reason to hate everything and everyone. Just another confirmation how misunderstood I, the poor girl, am. Just another reason to be more rebellious.

There is of course a sad component to that, that, if all anyone knows about me is how bad I am probably I have been bad for ages. That would make me feel abandoned for as long as I can remember. I wasn't born bad, there was a point in the past when I BECAME bad, and that was the time to help me. Not now proceed to whacking out of pure desparation.

Of course there is a way to help a girl like that but whacking no matter how frequent or hard could never do the job.

Leaving the sad stuff behind though let's talk about the first girl. She would be a perfect example, and a very do-able job. And she is in need at least as much as the rebellious one.

She made a mistake, but there is still enough good in her to communicate. Caning is not a solution to the problem, it's just a tool to make a girl find a solution with your help. In my world pain pushes a girl to the point when she realises and acknowledges the mistake. When she admits she did something wrong and accepts the punishment.

Thus, sometimes it's not the severity that counts but the length of the experience. And your words, the connection you try to create and your honestly and fairness. Hipocrites don't make good disciplinarians. They make me angry. I need a friend, that sympathises and cares, being able at the same to do its 'duty'. Strict and firm, but not irrational.

Caning is not a punishment, but if handled correctly might end up as one.

That is, if you can reach girl's conscience, talk with her responsible and intelligent part. You need to hit the most sensitive spot, and it's not the accuracy of the caning I have in mind right now. It's her mind and all the good will she has left. Give her a chance. Offer your help and make her accept it.

Can you do that?

<*post is refering purely to my idea about roleplay, please do not send me emails stating that I'm pro restoring caning at schools or something equally ridiculous. I'm not a politician, just a kinky girl you right now thinks about her kinky bum, and her bum only, and those bums of my friends, if that's what they want>

Celebration

2010-02-02T22:40:00.002Z

Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday...my dear blog.
Happy Birthday to you!

Yes, that's exactly it. My blog is one year old :) His first Blogiversary :)

And a bit of summary looks rather nice
Number of posts: 100
Number of visits: >115,710
Number of page views: >335,154
Number of countries from which people came to visit my blog: 146

And I could gloat more like that LOL But the most amazing thing is that I achieved impossible. I never dared to dream I can actually keep blogging for the whole year (with two small breaks but still!). I mean, knowing me the idea of doing something regularly with descent frequency for a year sounds like mission impossible - yet mission completed! :)
So...ehem...any congratulations will be most welcomed LOL

Kinky underground

2010-01-30T21:05:00.001Z

I had a conversation recently about fetish during which I realised how much I appreciate the fact that kinkiness, the way we know it, is not a commonly accepted and well known thing. I imagine there might be loads of you who wish it was as normal as going to the cinema or shopping, but for me the beauty of it is that it's hidden. I mean seriously, does anyone would really want to have a walk through city centre late in the evening and hear whips' swishing and yelps instead of American techno??

I like feeling different. I like being in vanilla company, at uni, at work or in any other place and feel unique. Not unique in terms of better, unique in terms of different. I always liked being different, and being kinky, apart from it being being satisfying by itself, seems to mean something deeper to me.

Just because it's not a commonly accepted pastime, doing it makes it all the more exciting. Practising something that might be ethically or morally wrong according to some people makes me feel rebellious and happy.

Each time I plan a kinky weekend and a vanilla person happens to know I'm going to be away there is that smile on my face. I know something that he/she doesn't know! :) I'm going to do something that he/she wouldn't even guess! :) Being involved into something that only small percentage of people know makes is it so mysterious, my heart starts beating faster just by the thought of it. And I bet no many vanillas has so exciting days as we kinksters tends to have! ;)

And there is of course the whole issue of adult element in it. Some people call spanking models - porn stars. I think that's exaggeration, but I like the implication of it a lot. I like how it sounds, so dirty and hot.

Not everyone is into 'adult industry' and that's another thing that makes me feel more unique and different. It's exciting getting involved into something that's strictly for adults, it's exciting to play into game that wasn't approved by normal people. It's good to really know I'm a grown up making my own decision and having my own life the way I WANT it to be.

It's just such a perfect underground...
And I would never want it to come out, it just wouldn't be the same.

Such a perfect kinky underground...

I wonder whether you think the same? The opposite? Or you just don't get so poetical about simple thing like fetish? ;)

*Pictures courtesy of Art of constraint.com

e[lust] #6

2010-01-27T12:17:00.000Z

HNT Courtesy of Having My Cake And Eating It Too

Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #7? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Exposing My Self to Airport Security - I stared right at her until she looked away and called for assistance for a pat-down search. I gaped, chin dropped: holy shit, they're gonna give me a pat down cuz I'm packing a silicon cock.

Prefect’s Prerogative - When I neglect this duty, or don't perform it to his satisfaction, he makes me light a fire in his room, and stand in front of it in just my school shirt and white socks.

Attention Women: There is Something Wrong With Your Vagina - Yes, that’s what your vagina needs: a breath mint. Because, just like vagina shouldn’t smell like vagina, it also shouldn’t taste like vagina.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

The Perfect Fat – Why do clothes designers assume that if you're plus-sized you're 1. over 5?9? and 2. over the age of 45 or “matronly and modest”? At the age of 32 I am not yet ready to dress like my grandmother.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Zipless- “I have some Scotch in my room—maybe you’d join me? You know, in the interest of not drinking alone…” She smiled. Perhaps she could yet salvage the day’s ending.

See also: Pleasurists #61 for all your sex toy review needs.
Also in recent sex news, check out the coverage of the Adult Entertainment Expo that happened in Las Vegas a couple weeks ago. You’ll see videos and articles from our fellow sex-bloggers on fun things like a rodeo penis and new sex toys not even on the market yet!

Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Arousal is not consent
Psychosexual: Does the G spot exist? Do I care?
Reputable Help for Haiti
Squicked
That'll be 151 Nickels
The Case of the Mysteriously Vanishing G-spot
Transtastic: Joking About Being Trans
Vegas – Day One – Diva’s Quick Recap
Vegas – Day One – Tess’s Thoughts
Why Don’t They Just LEAVE?

Kink & Fetish

Anatomy of a Mindfuck
Bad Submissive
Claiming: Go Pantiless After
Dating Refresher
Electric fuck
Fetishes and me
Kinky With Class
Laziness never pays off
Piercing reversal
Resolution
Titty Fuck
The Coffee Date, Part 2
The Job Interview
Without Reason

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

BDSM Relationship Advice for Newbies
Greedy For The Verse
Hang Ups and Hand Jobs
Ivy Madden
If she had just been a better wife…
Insomnia
Swinging
The Sexiness Beneath
Weightlessness

Erotic Writing

42DD
A Different Kind of Fuck
Across the Room
All in a Play Party’s Night
Amazing Night
Bedtime Story
Behind You
Breathe and Let Go
Done by a Clown
Evening Home
Glow
Lick You As Long As You Like
Moments of Clarity
Naughty Neighbor
Saturday Night’s Alright (For Swapping)
Sex and Video Games
Slip sliding away
The Slut Chronicles #11 ~ The Dinner Party
Thursdays
Tyler
Visitors in my Bedroom
Wicked Wednesday: Altitude
When you Talk About Maelee

More of japanese poor school girls...

2010-01-23T12:15:00.004Z

Let me entertain you with some more japanese pictures. What is wrong with those japanese schoolgirls that they always get into trouble? LOL

I guess, no one will complain about that, right?

And probably there will no sympathy from neither of you? :P

Well then pervs, enjoy!

Laziness never pays off.

2010-01-16T12:48:00.001Z

Let me tell you a story about young girl and her ponies.

It was dark evening of a very cold day. Snow has been falling down for days and everything around was white. When Haruka got home it was just time for evening meal so she undressed quickly and washed her hands.

Once the warmness of the room reached every inch of her body she felt good and sleepy. She meant to go out and feed her ponies but when she finished eating getting dressed and going out into full of snow paddock was the last thing she wanted to do.

She crawled to bed promising herself that she will feed them first thing in the morning, before her uncle would even wake up.

But again, it was so good in a warm bed that it was uncle that woke her up, eventually, after midday. And he was less that happy.

Ponies were hungry and miserable and were behaving unusually aggressively for them. Once Haruka saw them she felt very guilty, and when uncle asked her she admitted the truth straight away. She was too lazy yesterday to think about the well being of her pets she was trusted with. She didn't take care about her little friends.

She hardly opposed when her uncle made her get dressed into school uniform and pushed her outside without the coat to feed them. 'They were cold and hungry whole night, you can suffer a little bit of discomfort yourself', her uncle told her when she walked through the garden shivering.

Feeling awfully cold and sorry for herself she quickly fed ponies and briefly stroked them longing to get inside. But that was not the end of punishment.

Her uncle was determined to show her how irresponsible her behaviour really was. She made her bent over and applied a painfully stingy dozen to her young and cold bottom.

Each stroke made her squeak and whisper sincere apologies.

She knew she will never treat her ponies like that. Never.

You can find on HH's blog his version with different set of pictures.

(Next time, someone will ask me whether I want to do some photography in snow and I'm going to run. Far way. I was SO frozen afterwards! But HH was so into that idea, I could hardly refuse ;) )

Secrety secret

2010-01-13T13:16:00.001Z

It's time to admit something...

I have been learning pole dancing for the last couple of months. I can now hear the loud sigh of a person who knew about it and was instructed to keep it secret LOL Well, I changed my mind, I don't want it to be secret any more ;) And there is one simple reason - I just LOVE it and I need to share my happinees :)

My 'intrest' in pole dancing started when I was 13 and on a school trip there was a pole-like thing in room we had our tiny and not-so-good disco. I didn't like the disco, but I most certainly liked the pole-like thing! ;)

But it never really occurred to be I could learn HOW to do it (I mean, aren't those whores who do that?) until about 2 years ago when it was unfortunately out of my reach. But it's not any more and I couldn't stop myself from giving it a go (Since I'm already a whore - not a big difference LOL).

And it's just SO MUCH FUN :)
It actually is easier than it looks (Mostly, becuase it always looked impossible to me LOL) and it just makes me so utterly happy.

Sometimes, I think it makes me happier than playing, or at least happier in different way. Of course it wouldn't be so much fun if I actually wasn't kinky and didn't have all those dirty thoughts ;).

I had a moment of utter joy just before Christmas when I managed for the first time to go upside-down on the pole :) I think I have been grinning like mad for two days afterwards without a reason LOL

Yeah, I do know that with all my lack of interest in sex&pleasure it might be pointless to try to do the activity that is supposed to be sexual by nature, but so is spanking, isn't it? Anyway, as soon as I tried I realised that there is no need to be sexy while pole-dancing. Hot and dirty works just fine ;)
And least for me...it's not like I actually want to dance in a club...

Oh, wait the second I DO want to dance in a club...I just seriously doubt it would work. I mean me? In a striptease club? Not that I think there is anything wrong with clubs like that. I thing the idea is utterly hot, and wonderful, and amazing. It's just I can't imagine myself in the place vibrating with sexually-associated activities trying to fit in. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I think I'm obsessed.

And the worst thing is that I mentioned it to my mother yesterday...and she said I should try...yyy...seriously should mums encourage their children to such things? LOL

Damn it! I'm so obsessed with the idea...

e[lust] #5

2010-01-12T22:38:00.000Z

HNT Courtesy of Sexy Sadie

Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you're looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you're going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #6? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site's sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

♦ This Week's Top Three Posts ♦

Late Arrival: An Airport Encounter - I saw a possible haven ahead: a pilot disappearing into the pilots' lounge. I could think of nowhere else that would offer us even a modicum of privacy. Time to brazen it out. With her still walking obediently alongside, I pushed my way into the lounge.

The Condom Question. Confession #397 - Luckily, this time I had my wits about me enough to reply with a categorical, Yes a condom is absolutely necessary, darlin, but history has proven that, while I'm naked and horny, I can offer no more justification as to why such protection is paramount.

No more... - "I'm so sorry, I can't...". Words, words, so many words... reasons and reasoning and things and stuff and none of it made sense, and through all of it, disbelief, dread, a sickness of heart... I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing.

◊ e[lust] Editress ◊

Sex as a Panacea - As I begged “faster” “harder” “more!” I felt my orgasm come on, a mere minute or two after we began with this combination. A thunderous orgasm overtook me as he kept up with the dildo and I with the Climax for the first big wave.

♦ Featured Post (Lilly's Pick) ♦

Bad Girl - I take off my coat and stand proudly before her in my black lace corset, suspenders, stockings and heels. She looks me up and down and smiles at me when she catches my stare. Desire is already zinging through my body.

See also: Pleasurists #59 and #60 for all your sex toy review needs

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Blowjob Tips!
Companioning
Domestic Violence on MTV's 'Teen Mom'
From Helper To Survivor
Good girl, bad girl...
Girlie Toys
If the Peg Fits
Illicit Encounters
Insecurity, You can Kiss My Ass
Nothing is perfect, which is why there is communication
Regaining my Femme
Studying
The Condom Question. Confession #397

Erotic Writing

All Rise For the Queen
Bad Girl
Centre of Attention
Crying Uncle
Ending The Decade With Wes
Invading The Boy's Club - #4
Last Night
Late Arrival: An Airport Encounter
Lorraine's Coming Out
My reputation precedes me
Party Doll
The Beginning
The Erotic Touch of a Stranger

Kink & Fetish

1st night out as sub
Being my Master's Shoe Slut
Bondage and Being Ignored
Caning in the snow at New Year
Mind Games and Number Games
Much Ado About Punching
No more...
September 2010: A Slave's Initiation
The Intimacy of Being Taken
Thievery
The workhouse maid, punished
The Porn Reports, Part 1
Violence and BDSM
Yes, No, and Consent
"You're a good little fuck toy"

News, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Delegating Gaga
I Hope He Does "Animal" Next
Sometimes I'm Not So Sexy...

Forced exercising

2010-01-08T00:04:00.002Z

I think I'm getting over the worst part of subdrop.

I most definitely want to be spanked again. After all spanking is a perfect way to say 'Good morning', 'Good night', 'Nice to see you'. You name the reason.

I even definitely want to play again, but the feeling that one scene, one particular scene, was better than anything else can ever get is still with me.

I always kind of knew I'm into forced exercises. But I had no how hot it will be, how much hotter than fantasizing about it. I wish I could preserve that memory for ever. I wish I could LIVE in that moment forever, or at least get back there whenever I feel like. But I can feel the memory fading, I lose details and contrast. And it's so sad.
That scene is just so worth of preserving it for ever.

It all started very simply from HH saying he fancied me in gym outfit (which is a perfectly understandable idea, right? Who wouldn't like caning a girl in gym shorts LOL) So few minutes later, white-dressed girl entered the 'gym'.

I had absolutely NO idea how hot performing exercises while dressed scantily can be.
With him walking around holding a cane.
With the simple rule of six cane strokes if I fail.

Most of the exercises were about me holding some strenuous position, so soon all my muscles were trembling and I could feel my mind slipping into a very nice place.

The more my body was trembling the better I felt.
With my eyes closed, concentrating so hard not to let go.
Feeling so happy and satisfied every second I managed to do what I was asked to.

It's going to sound utterly sick but it felt much better that any idea of sex to me. And was far more arousing.

Pain becomes so different in those moments. I can feel it and suffer it, but at the same time I'm above it. Winning.

When after caning I collapsed on the floor, resting my shaking body and my knees and hands I felt better that probably ever in my life. I felt like I was actually kneeling in front of him and it felt good (apart from the fact that I was not kneeling and he was not in front of me). It felt appropriate.

I bent my elbows lowering my face toward the carpet trying so hard to preserve the moment. I didn't want it to end, my shaking muscles wanted more, my mind wanted more.

Suddenly it was all so clear, why am I kinky and all that. It seemed like every event and moment Kami Robertson experienced during the last 28 months was leading to it, to that few minutes. Like everything that happened gave me strength to let go, allowed me to stop worrying about my body and disconnect from it.

I was on all four, half-naked, on the ground, shaking, fighting for breath and that's when I realised there is no other place where I would rather want to be at that time.

Happiness feeling me from inside, sense of gratification and completion and so much more.

I think that at moment, she actually wanted to please him...

I always knew I'm into forced exercises, after all PE lessons were the only way I could satisfy my masochistic needs in the past. I had no idea I missed it so much...

New Year afterthoughts - subdrop?

2010-01-06T19:04:00.002Z

I’m in a funny state right now. I both want and don’t want to play.

I don’t want to play because
a) I’m played out after the few days with HH (which were rather well spent ;) )
b) We did some extraordinary scenes and currently I’m having the feeling that NOTHING, EVER will be as good.

I do want to play because it’s the ‘curse’ of my kinkiness – rarely feel otherwise ;)

It’s all rather very confusing.

Caning in the snow at New Year

2010-01-01T14:32:00.009Z

Sometimes you have that fantasy that keeps eating you from inside, but as soon as you will spell it out in the presence of the top you regret it.

Since my first winter as a 'kinky girl' two years ago I have been dreaming about caning in the snow. Or rather I have been dreaming about it during the summer, because as soon as the snow actually was around I was freezing just by the thought it.

Somehow I felt way too brave yesterday and when HH said 'Oh, is snowing outside, we can do your midnight caning in the snow'. I thought, 'what the hell, why not'. And indeed there was loads of very cold and very white snow outside and more on the way.

Though I have been dreaming about it for what seems to be forever I knew I will hate it. It's not the cold skin that seems to be the problem, those are cold muscles below it, and even early morning caning is a nightmare.

But hey, how often do you get a chance to welcome the new year bent over cold, snow-covered rail, bare bum, staring at fireworks? ;)

Nevertheless I expected funny, light-hearted adventure not the intense and amazing ride I got.

I must have been utterly terrified or shocked just before it as I truly don't remember feeling cold. I bent over with that overoptimistic idea in my mind that maybe it won't be so bad.

How wrong I was. Cold caning is bad. 'Freezing' caning is at least 10 times as bad. No nice spreading of pain, no feeling that your bum is warming and soon it will become more bearable.

Just cold pain.

I very rarely get a chance to experience the feeling most spanko girls describe. That they don't like being spanked, but they do like having been spanked. But I most certainly got it this time.

After excruciatingly painful 11 stroked, one crisis, loads of reassurance that I'm a good girl capable of taking it, tons of tears, wriggles, squeaks and shaking I felt utterly overwhelming pride filling me inside. I took last stroke with dignity, no whimpering, no sound.

I have been staring at the cold snow and the last, lonely batch of fireworks smiling like mad. I have been crying much harder that during the caning – from happiness and satisfaction and pride.

Suddenly being bent over snowy, cold rail, with my still cold and striped bum surrounded by snow was exactly the place I wanted to be.

In the middle I kept fighting the urge to touch my bum the the snow-covered gloves to ease the burning, now I was too proud of the suffering and victory to even think of it.

I gladly calmed down in HH arms hearing him whispering that he was proud of me as well.

Mmmmmm....

(You can read HH's version of yesterday's crazy idea with different set of pictures on his blog)

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year

2009-12-28T20:18:00.007Z

Bit delated Marry Christms, and a very not delayed Happy New Year soon to be.

I wish you all all the best in a ahem...natural way...

I wish you all,

Loads of fruitful findings

Always a big range to choose from

And an interesting variety

And of course never a lack of a willing bottom.

Kami :)

PS. In case you wonder where I took those photos from the answer is simple - nowhere, my grandmother sent them to me - don't ask LOL

(PS2. I'm copying what HH wrote in a comment so that everyone can see...Following the meme and the provided answers HH asked:
Are there any requests for how young Kami should be dressed for this? And positioned? Answers before 30 December, please...

A meme - ANSWERS

2009-12-23T19:48:00.003Z

I’m back! :)
First off all thank you for all the comments and emails I got over the last few weeks! :) What happened? Well, everything and nothing. Let’s just say I’m shocked so much can happen in such a short period of time! Both good and bad, it could all easily keep me busy during the whole year, let at least few weeks! But I’m back, hopefully for good ;).

So the meme... Shortly the rules - you were asked to pick one statement out of 5 that was false.

The correct answer is:

4. My first ever spanking was with belt, from vanilla friends, during my 18th birthday party and the last mark lasted for almost 2 weeks.

Congratulation to Prefectdt, fswerk, Stephen Lewis (though I’m sure, that one cheated. He KNEW, not guessed :P), Peter and Abel (do I get the feeling you KNEW as well? :P).

I wish I had a pic of that to share, but unfortunately I don't!

I quite like the comment by Morbius “what vanilla belts at birthday parties! i wish” Well, welcome to Poland LOL

Why other statement are false?

1. I was never spanked as a child, though I did received an occsional smack if someone was particularly fed up with my behaviour, NEVER ON THE BARE.

Mostly on the bare, one of those smacks marking my interest in spanking.

2. My first ever kinky fantasies were after reading Harry Potter and were taking place in Hogward, magic was used to made ropes restrain culprits in desired positions.

I used to fantasies like that, but when I finally read Harry Potter I was 13, so there was loads of fantasies prior to that. But seriously, magic IS a good way to restrain someone LOL

3. Even with all those recent thoughts about domestic discipline, reading up and contemplating I never received a punishment in the form of spanking for some genuine misdeed.

It did happen, once. Never intended to write a post about it, since seriously I don’t remember what I felt or thought about it. Probably nothing, so it would be a very boring post. Though HE might write about it at some point.

5. I hate single-tails, I don't care how precise the person can be, he might now where it will land, but I don't, no single-tail ever touched me and hopefully it's going to stay that way.

I’m not sure what would you treat as single-tail, but something I classified as such definitely touched me – and never again ;)

So…5 people got it right. If my maths is correct that would be 30 strokes with the cane. Mmmmm... I'm going to enjoy myself :P

We have been thinking with HH about it, and we had an idea of making a video out of it. If everything goes well we will take care of it soon :). I will keep you updated on the progress ;) Probably I will post some photos before that.

(Oh, and since I have been out of the loop for a while, if you think that the link to your blog if outdated, you started new blog or anything like that let me know so I can change the link. Unless of course you don't care ;) )

Lying liar - a meme

2009-11-11T21:11:00.005Z

Frequency and regularity with which I post is just ridiculous, I know ;). I seem to start writing loads of posts and hardly any ever gets finished. Oh, well, at least this one did! :)

I got an email from Prefectdt from SpankedHortic suggesting a meme. Never done any, neither ever wanted but this one is so much more fun that others - at least to me :)

The unbelievable truth

In this meme you will read five "facts" about me. The thing being that four of them are not facts at all but totally untrue lies. What you have to do is identify the genuine fact from the five statements.

Sounds interesting, as I'm a horrible liar. I never mastered that ever so useful ability to do it, so it will be interesting to check how well I'm doing in my effords to master it somehow LOL.

And to make it a bit more interesting to me, for every person guessing correctly (which statement out of 5 is true) I will get 6 strokes of the cane next time a generous top will be around.

1. I was never spanked as a child, though I did received an occsional smack if someone was particularly fed up with my behaviour, never on the bare though.

2. My first ever kinky fantasies were after reading Harry Potter and were taking place in Hogward, magic was used to made ropes restrain culprits in desired positions.

3. Even with all those recent thoughts about domestic discipline, reading up and contemplating I never received a punishment in the form of spanking for some genuine misdeed.

4. My first ever spanking was with belt, from vanilla friends, during my 18th birthday party and the last mark lasted for almost 2 weeks.

5. I hate single-tails, I don't care how precise the person can be, he might now where it will land, but I don't, no single-tail ever touched me and hopefully it's going to stay that way.

Ok. So how does it work? Should I tag someone now to this meme?

I will provide answers next week on Wednesday. Good luck LOL

Mast obsession...again

2009-11-03T19:51:00.006Z

Couple of days after I made that post I found an ever so perfect ship.

Well, perhaps not not perfect to actually play, but definitely perfect to fantasies. And there was loads of fantasising :]

You know what the presense of three masts means? You can have three girls there. To play with. To amuse yourself. To abuse them.

You can also make girls watch each other while you torment them. Make them wait and fear their turn.

Will they shiver? Cry? Or just keep observing carefully your every step with widely-open eyes?

Of course you take great care about the girls. You own them and made a lot of plans, and therefore they are safe and well taken care of...

You wouldn't believe it but they made a restuarante out of that ship! What a waste!

Discipline

2009-10-29T16:14:00.002Z

I have been thinking recently a lot about domestic discipline. It's more about discipline really, than domestic. I lack discipline, I always did. Changing it is not easy, especially when there is no external help.

As a spanko girl I learnt that there are ways of finding some external help. So I have been thinking a lot about domestic discipline as it seems to be linked. And reading a lot, especially at Punishment Book. Domestic discipline seems to be as broad area as the CP itself. Or even more.

I'm pretty sure by now that the question is not whether it would work for me, but which aspects of it would work. I'm a control freak, and would never want someone to control my life, but at the same time cravings for some discipline does imply that I would want to have my life control to certain extend. Confusing.

I know that apparently so common aspect of being punished for safety reasons would not work for me. I didn't decide to move out of my parents' house and away from their constant do's and don't's to voluntary allow someone else to decide what is too dangerous for me. It's my life and I will decide what is too dangerous and what's not.

It's a discipline thing I crave for. Studying, working – anything really. To use my time efficiently, to feel more satisfied and fulfilled, to be more happy. I believe it's called time management. Oh, I'm good at planning it's just I can't stick every now and then to what I planned.

I'm suppose it's not as bad as it might sound, I was always a good student etc. I think that my laziness is nicely compensated by my ambition. Still isn't it that we always want more what we have?

How does that all go with domestic discipline? I don't know really, having someone setting up rules for me to follow sounds like it's bound to back fire. Even if it was me setting those rules, being controlled and checked whether I follow them sounds easy only in fantasy.

Reality seems to be full of tricky details that I can't even begun to comprehend...

Wanna laugh?

2009-10-26T23:01:00.000Z

More of inspiring key searches...

"bend over the" "her tears" – yes, load of tears on that blog ;)

caned thighs – happens if you meet cruel people, trust me

diaper position hate – I actually like it a lot, make a lot of good to my back ;)

girl getting spanked with nettles video – seriously, nettles make a very bad spanking implement, you should know that by now :P

kammie robertson, kamy robertson – oh guys, 4 letters, 4 bloody letters, it's not THAT difficult to get them right! :P

nettles in panties – oh yeah, WHAT a 'pleasure' you should try it instead of reading other people's experiences :P

kinky sexual activities – sorry, don't know much about those

"hand strapping" punishment – not here, but you can check next door

"i asked him to spank" – yeah, it works sometimes when you ask, but I prefer not to have to ask

"keep them spread" +bdsm – oh you perv! :P

"spank me" "in front of the window" – yeah, well, somehow not my thing LOL

"the specialist" spanking – oh yes! Specialists are always better! ;)

boys spanked nettle – no boys spanked around here, neither with or without nettles. But one day perhaps

ginger figging – It really baffles me how the hell google search for the words I have never used on that blog can bring people here?

i want to be spanked hard and raped even harder – I'm hardy an expert, but I don't think you can compare strength of being spanked with the strength with which you get raped LOL

ideas for nettles play bdsm – have you found what you looked for?

kami robertson anal humiliation – You old, sick perv! Would you might not making my secrets public? LOL

my sore caned bum – we like it that way :)

nasty little girl spanked – sorry, no nasty girls spanked around

on his knees pulling a train – Yyyyy....

possible to flying with your body – Yes, in my kinky word it is very much possible ;)

spank otk raped – sorry, doesn't really work very well in that position LOL

spanking over trousers – Oh, it's just SO wrong. You can't spanked someone over trousers. First you ask them to pull them down, then you spank. You see, proper order is quite crucial in that game! ;)

vanilla spanking – And what is THAT?

"self-spanked" – No, always better to have someone to do it for you, why bottoms should do the whole job? ;)

riding the rail bdsm – hope you enjoyed the post! :) Or even both of them ;)

spanking +tears+kami – good to know not everyone looks for happy endings!

the pain of a slippering – yes, some of us know something about that

spanking therapy – ALWAYS!

hands knees slippering – no, not really, bottom works better...

how to get rid of pain after spanking – excuse me, are you mad?! What a waste!

Caned on thighs – yes, I promise to write one day post about, the problem is that I promise loads of things!

Kinkiness in vanilla life

2009-10-22T23:44:00.006+01:00

The more I look at it the more dancing salsa seems to resemble sub/dom (bottom/top or something in between) relationship.

Both are about trust and good chemistry. It will never be enough fun without it.
It helps to know the person you interact with so that the experience can be more intense.
In both cases its the guy making changes and deciding about the course of the activity and the girl adapts. It's him observing and deciding which course of action is better.

Yet, it's a girl adding subtle details. Now matter how wonderful the top/salsero might be if a girl won't show off herself to certain extend (or won't allowed to be showed off) it will never be of any artistic value, the dance or roleplay.

The same way, if the girl's 'reactions' are interesting or worth watching he will be back for more.

I seem to expect similar things from both tops and salseros. I want them to be decided instead of second guessing their every decision. I want them to observe the girl and try to fix certain things as they happen instead of insisting on something that clearly doesn't work, like they don't even care to bother to notice anything around them. (in case you think I expect miracle – I don't, most of the tops I played with exhibits those qualities ;) )

In both situations I look for a stable support, in play for psychological, in dancing for physical one.

I react the same way to tops I'm incompatible with as to salseros which whom I just can't click with. I just don't get emotionally involved and as passively as possible wait for the end of song/scene.

And of course both are far more intense and pleasurable when you know the person and know what to expect to some extend.

There is the issue of submissiveness of course. Funnily enough I get more submissive when dancing salsa than playing. I don't really know why. Maybe because a good salsero will never expect a girl to be truly submissive? It has always been easier for me to be jump into submissive modes when a guy was not expecting me to and subconsciously resisting it when he was trying to force me into it.

There is a common joke you hear when you first start dancing salsa (at least in my home town) that a girl is not supposed to think when dancing. That she should just let go and let the guy 'do the job'. Doesn't it sound 'don't try to top from the bottom'?

Of course good salsero will never want a girl to stop thinking, usually he prefers a girl good and intelligent enough to know when she can show off herself without interfering with the dance. The same way a top wants a girl to react – somehow, whether it's just flinching and heavy breathing or crying her eyes out. Being into the spirit of it shows a guy he is doing the right thing. (Am I right guys?).

Dancing of course does not provide the emotional high the good roleplay can, but can be sometimes equally rewording for me. And the pain in all muscles the next day obviously indulges my masochistic-like needs ;)

Still, I think it's a funny paradox, that you will find me more submissive while dancing instead of being caned LOL

(If someone wants to see some examples of salsa, on the website you will find links to youtube clips with the show by the instructors from the school I started dancing in. (not the first clip!) And sorry for the language ;) )

Watching others play

2009-10-21T19:32:00.004+01:00

At the beginning, when I started my kinky explorations I was quite obsessed with playing. I used to had a chance to play on regular but rather infrequent occasions and I wanted to make the best of it.

Coming back home unbruised was just unacceptable. And I used to be very upset and angry if people were saying there are not going to hit me harder/play any more because I look so young and tiny and they don't want to hurt me. Like the fact I was repeatedly saying I was fine meant nothing.

Fortunately I came across people who did trust me when I was saying I'm ok pretty quickly.

And I have been playing rather a lot ever since. I have been trying to count cane strokes I have received, but around year a half ago and more than 2000 strokes I gave up. Although my playing might have been infrequent it certainly WAS intense and full of new experiences.

Part of me feels played out at the moment. I don't crave playing the way I used to, I don't get crazy if no one spanked me for couple of weeks.

I still need that, it still makes me happy, relaxed and alive, but my obsession died out a bit. Or rather changed itself.

I'm finding myself more and more obsessed with watching. I think it started itself when I actually got a chance to observe people playing and realised that it's fascinating.

Ever since a certain warm May afternoon I can feel I'm more and more obsessed with HAVING to watch others.

It's not just spanking and CP. It's everything, consensual or not, kinky or vanilla, sex or not. Everything.

I have been observing HH smacking Graham once and I realised that it's the first time that I have been seeing him smacking someone, like properly observing him with paying attention to it. I could see certain facial expression I have never seen before.

Later there was that weekend, when I find myself in a roleplay that didn't work for me much and I have been observing HH smacking Emma Jane. First there was a bit of jealousy that the roleplay was working for her, but at the same time I realised that I didn't want it to work for me, that watching was enough.

I was guessing what she was feeling, and could compere my thought afterwards hearing to her memories of the scene.

Later there was that situation when I have been holding Haron's hands when Abel was strapping her. After one of the strokes he asked me whether I think she felt that and I said I don't know. I wasn;t being cruel or something, I just didn't have a clue whether she felt it or faked it.

And I would like to know THOSE things.

I really feel obsessive with watching, I'm not sure I'm actually about to do anything about it (would hate violating anyone's privacy) but the truth is, when I fantasies nowadays it's more about watching that actually participating.

I don't know where will that lead me to, but something tells me it might an interesting road. And an interesting variation :)

Caningversary

2009-10-18T22:34:00.002+01:00

I realised today the HORRIBLE thing. On Monday, the 10th Oct, was the second anniversary of my first caning (caningversary?) and I utterly forgot about it! :( Horrible, truly horrible, it was an important day after all, wasn't it? ;)

If I could, I would probably write a long essay on my experience back then. But I can't. I was too overwhelmed with all the emotion I barely remember WHAT I felt! :)

I have been thinking today how could I celebrate it. Well, I know it's a bit too late, but who cares! :) Of course I could leave that matter for HH to decide but I thought I can first ask you. I know, from observing other blogs, readers tend to get quite sadistic...ehem...I meant interesting ideas.

So, any thoughts?

Caned

2009-10-12T22:41:00.005+01:00

While I have been enjoying the miracles of warm weather and lovely beaches NSI released a clip with me. A rather special one :)

My first ever caning on camera!

Haven't watched it myself yet, as I still have problems with hearing my voice (Perhaps I should hint somewhere that HH should tie me to the bed and force me to watch it LOL), but I have to say that pics look amazing.

Applause to NSI for the play with colours.

This cute little girl looks just like an angel in white clothes. (And red stripes on her bum ;) )
What was that she supposedly has done? Oh, right, set a fire in school. Trust me, she didn't mean to, it WAS an accident ;)

I remember taking the tie off and thinking why was it so important, but I was so distracted I forgot to ask. Now, I know ;)

But coming back to that first-ish caning of mine. I wasn't good at 'it' back then, I had no idea of how much I can take, not to mention WHY I can take it.

Just before we started filming I remember thinking that there is no way I can take it. And then when the caning started I couldn't understand WHY it didn't hurt as much I thought it should. As I haven't seen it yet myself I'm not sure whether it really looks like that, but I remember some very delayed responses.

Stroke – no reaction at first – awareness it should have hurt – awareness I should have reacted – delayed flinch/squirm/ouch.

Hope it's not THAT faked ;) Well, anyway, let me know if you have seen it, me as it might be couple of weeks before will be 'tricked' to watch it ;)

I don't remember whether I have ever posted anything about distraction during shooting that 'increases' my pain tolerance. I know some other spanking models experienced that phenomena too. It's really amazing how insignificant pain might become, how much a person can get lost in the experience, even if she is doing it for the first time.

When Paul and Lucy decided it to call it a day I felt I could do it all over again and more. And I knew I could. Who cares I almost have fallen asleep from exhaustion couple of hours later in a restaurant LOL It all felt so nice :)

(All photos (c) Northern Spanking)

Sexy postcard

2009-10-10T22:46:00.008+01:00

It's nice to bring a kinky souvenir from holidays. Unfortunately, I do not have the luck of others to run into loads of them. Apart from postcards that is ;)

That's what I bought last year.

Proudly decorates my wall ;)

This year I found something more provocative (while looking for some lovely seesides of course ;) )

(excuse quality of those pics, my camera prefers day light ;) )

Straight after I saw it I thought I need to send it to HH. But why would I send him a postcard with 365 positions to have sex? Unfortunately they didn't sell any '365 positions to smack a girl' LOL Not that I asked ;)

Eventually I decided to send two postcards, one to HH and one to Abel (I even thoguht to send them inside the envelope!). Blushing like hell I paid for them only to realise I forgot one for myself, so I had to undergo that shamefull procedure again LOL

Anyway, I still think I want a kinky version. I can think myself of 25 spanking position (to smack a girl with a hand). Hardly a new one for each day, but you still have two per month + one for special occations...Now...anyone out there able to draw? ;)

Kinky enough :)

2009-10-07T22:15:00.003+01:00

As it become obvious last week I'm still kinky, or at least kinky 'enough' :) We did some interesting scenes and over the time I could feel how my confidence about being kinky was coming back.

During the first spanking all I could think was 'why the hell it hurt so much?' and did my best to 'control' the pain but it doesn't work that way. So I failed, and the hairbrush defeated me, first time I think. I felt like such a wimp when HH said 10 more, I wriggled out after 4 and the last six were way lighter. Soooo wimpy. When he said 'good girl' at the end I felt even worse. I most certainly was not good. So afterward I kept teasing and bratting to earn some more. You know, just to punish myself for my weakness I think, but HH didn't pick up the hint. (Note to myself: ask Emma Jane for some tutoring how to brat effectively)

Later on though we played some more, and it was getting easier and easier. I remember some lovely caning. Thin, whippy cane that should have stung a lot barely made me flinch. I knew it hurt, but somehow I was not aware of it at a time.

I love that feeling when pain comes to you with delay, when you know it should hurt yet it doesn't. When you muscles contract expecting the impact followed by pain but nothing happens. There is that crazy battle in you mind: 'Oh shit, it's going to hurt', 'Oh, it didn't', 'Or maybe did?' 'Didn't?', 'Did?' And before your mind can agree on one answer it's over.

Just before bedtime I was in a mood for some school roleplay. I wanted to be a little, poor girl. And the teacher to be sympathetic. Such was my mind set.

But character that HH decided to play was not sympathetic at all. He was angry which made me very defiant and rebellious, and the whole poor little girl was gone replaced by a cheeky, angry and proud one.

And I have to say, there is something very fulfilling and satisfying in bending over in school uniform and being brave. When you make sure you will not scream or cry. When you use all your strength to stay in position. When you control your voice to count steadily but fail miserably. Voice will always betray you letting him know that it hurts. But it makes it even better. You let the whole world know that it hurts yet you stay in position. It's just so bloody satisfying.

When the last stroke of slipper slammed across my cheeks and I stammered the number huge grin appeared on my face.

I survived (and was back kinky :) )

And not even a single bruise on my bum - bugger!

Back :)

2009-09-30T12:45:00.003+01:00

In the past, when I had break from playing due to holidays etc. I have been missing it a lot. Somehow this time it has been different. The longer the break was getting the more frequently I have been asking myself whether I'm still kinky.

I'm still not sure really, I do want to be spanked...but more than that? I suppose I will find the answer today...

Airports

2009-09-19T21:44:00.003+01:00

I'm temporarily back. Awfully tired and dreaming about my bed, but I can't resist posting what I saw today.

Airport in Malaga has all notices etc. in three languages: German, English, Spanish. I have no idea what the German said, but English were far from being correct and actually quite amusing.

"Do not carry dangerous goods in your person"

Excuse me, where in exactly I'm not suppose to carry them? LOL Is it just a notice for females perhaps? LOL

"Please, help to keep the airport clean deposit your reminders here"
(in case of any doubts, they meant rubbish ;) )

Well, I don't know how about you, but if I will deposit all my reminders I might forget which city I fly to LOL

Ok, bed-time before I will write about the absolutely embarrassing thing I did in between finding those signs ;)

Riding a rail

2009-09-13T20:30:00.006+01:00

Guest blogger: Henry Higgins

Kami is in faraway lands where her only Internet access is in public places, so she asked me to post some pictures here to keep her blog warm.

So I thought I'd tell a story. When Kami comes to visit it tends to be a pretty intense weekend. But you can't play all the time, so if the weather's decent we tend to go out and look for photo opportunities. This particular day, we found a path through the woods that didn't look too frequented and came to an old wooden gate festooned with barbed wire. Kami's eye's lit up: "Can I strip off and climb on that?", she asked. "Yes, certainly", I answered. "But I'll decide how long you stay there."

Well, that's how it started. Kami likes a challenge, so she stripped off and climbed gingerly atop the rail. To start with it wasn't too uncomfortable. Kami perched there, her toes just reaching the ground at full stretch. To begin with I let her stabilise herself with her hands behind her on the rail.

But after a while the pressure started to build. She tried moving her hands in front, but that just made it worse.

After a few minutes of this, Kami was biting her lip and trying not to wriggle. But it was time to up the ante: "Feet off the ground, please. And hands on your head."

This was harder. She tried very hard, but couldn't help wriggling and rocking from side to side. Here's the moment when she lost it:

But she's a good girl when she wants to be. And something about this made her want to be. So I didn't have to say a thing for her to straighten up, lif her legs, and put her hands back where they belonged.

And there she stayed until I told her I was proud of her.

I have a few more shots from this set. I think I'll post them on my own blog.

HH

New obsession

2009-09-10T13:42:00.002+01:00

Last year, just before holidays I saw Pirates of the Caribbean, the part with a whipping scene. To be honest, I don't even remember whether that scene was there shown or just suggested. The point is, it started my new obsession - Masts Obsession.

So when I went on my holidays and saw the port with so many masts...I mean ships, my imaginations betrayed me.

But there was no fully blown fantasies, just some flashes. Various girls tied to masts. Various girls tormented. Various reasons for torments. Fair whipping or unfair abuse. Etc.

Today, when I saw the same port I smiled to myself when all those memories become so vivid. But there was more.

This time I saw a one particular girl. She pretended to be a boy and joined the crew in one of the ports. I don't think it was actually a Royal Navy ship, but then who knows. I don't think she wanted a sailmen's live or adventure or money. Probably, all she wanted was to escape to different country.

One night her secret was discovered.

She was dragged out of her bed onto the deck by a group of guys that haven´t even seen a girl in months. Pair of strong hands tied her to the mast and...

And here I'm not really sure any more. Should they rip her clothes off, abuse her, fuck her and then whip? Or first whip and then abuse and fuck? Or abuse, whip and fuck?

(But I think the more desperate question is, where the hell I will find a mast in West MIDlands. ;) )

Shameless

2009-09-03T13:55:00.004+01:00

I really ment to write some more posts that that LOL But I'm so much enjoying my break from kinkiness that I almost forgot what it means to have kinky fantasies ;) I would love to *be* spanked, it's just my mind that doesn´t seem to follow ;)

Anyway, I can't write about absolutely unkinky stuff, can I? So I thought I will tell you how shameless the break made me ;)

1. Topless on the beach.

So, yes, my top of bikini lies in the wardrobe completely unused most of the time. Actually when I think about it I don´t do it completely shamelessly. I'm quite ashamed of myself, really ;) Somehow it's way much easier to strip on camera that lie on the beach showing of my small tits and pretend I don't notice all those guys starring at me (And believe me, I'm in the place when they *do* stare and even comment... LOL)

But the reason is really very simple - I hate tan lines. I never bothered with it, but now, when I see my naked body far more often than two years ago I just prefer to see it without tan lines. Personal preferences LOL

Oh, and add tiny thongs, that finish along the edge of my pubic hair (if there were any) and you can get a clear picture (not that I encourage you to have perversive pictures of almost naked girls in your head :P)

2. Braless everywhere.

Seriously, that just kind of an accident ;) It's just the heat, close stick to my body so much I don't notice lack of bra. Today I spend most of the morning correcting straps of my dress so that I will stop flashing my tits at everyone... Kind of irritating really LOL

Question is, should I put bra on or dress with a smaller cleavage? ;)

Funny thing is, that having no bra today made me realise that I'm not such a slut I thought I am. A while ago, I have been playing with HH, and the sick and perversive character he played wanted the poor girl without a bra. Later on, when we wanted to go out to get some fresh air I forgot to put the bra on. i realised it in the car but wasn't really bothered as the day was cold and I had jumper and jacket on. Correction, the day *looked* cold. It was warmer than I expected and soon my jacket, followed by jumper rested around my waist. Only thin top covered my breasts. Soon I noticed that my nipples were hard and errect. I could swear they were getting harder when people were looking at me. Of course they were *not* looking at me but the impression was enough LOL

Anyway, today when I was without bra and people were looking at me my nipples weren't hard at all.

Conclussion?
It was coldness before that made them errect, not my inner exhibitionism LOL

Conclusion no. 2?
Im not a slut LOL

Rest of shameless stories next time :P
Hope everyone properly envy me my holidays, in utterly lovely and hot place :P

Break

2009-08-22T21:45:00.002+01:00

No, not from blogging ;) Just holidays ;)

I'm off tomorrow, for my extremely long holidays and I'm going to enjoy it thoroughly :) Complete rest from both kinky and vanilla life :)

Excuse if the blogging wil be a bit thin...oh...was it thin recently? Well then, you probably won't see a difference LOL I will try to post something every now and then, promise, I will be a good girl ;)

Time to go to bed...I have to get up tomorrow at some God forsaken hour :/ Zzzzzz...

Collecting fetishes

2009-08-20T22:42:00.002+01:00

So yes, I have just collected a new one recently.
'Schoolgirl stuff' it's called I believe :)

Question is whether I'm into schoolgirl stuff again or finally.

I know I have been claiming its not my thing for a while, but truth is that ever since I learnt about the schoolgirl fetish as its own I was curious about it. First uniforms, second I always had thing for strictness and fairness. I just believe that bad things should be punished and good one reworded. School stuff seems to care for all that. At the same time its far away from domestic discipline.

At the beginning I have been curious about the whole thing, waiting for a perfect roleplay to 'feel' it properly. For some reasons none of the scenes I did at the beginning seemed to be my thing and over time I used to hate the idea of 'having to be a little girl'.

So I happily left the whole thing and moved to scenes and scenarios that worked for me better. Eventually though, since I stopped playing schoolgirl stuff completely curiosity was back. Slowly, but gradually.

Recently Eliane made that post about boarding schools. And that was a trigger really, suddenly I realised that I used to fantasies a lot about boarding school ever since I knew they existed. Why? Because it's just perfect. Far away from parents and domestic stuff. Among peers. Subjected to the school rules 24/7.

Straight after that post we did a scene with HH and Emma Jane, a detention-themed. She went in first, and I waited in the corridor, motionless, listening to his voice through the closed door. I couldn't separate words, but I could guess what the whole lecturing was all about. And I was waiting there, knowing it's me next. Somehow my mind slipped into the mood so much that when it was my turn I had that extreme urge to be brave and not make a sound when it was my turn to bend over for six of the best.

Ever since that scene I have probably relived in my mind all the events from school years that are worth remembering. Especially all the school trips, as they resemble boarding school more than normal lessons.

Few days ago I got a chance to try more schoolgirl roleplay. I will probably describe the scene separately, but needless to say it was a pure bliss. At the end after the poor girl has been sent off, I sat down on the stairs completely mesmerised, I asked HH to have a minute for myself and I spent next few moments with a huge grin on my face smiling to the wall in front of me.

I don't remember regretting not being into schoolgirl stuff, but there is something very calming and happy about being into it. Though I have a very specific preferences:

1.It needs to be fair
2.It needs to be strictness
3.No abuse, perversive stuff or unnecessary nakedness
4.Proper uniforms

But the biggest issue is with the schoolgirl herself. It's not something I can play with, I want her to have my character, to be me from the past. That means generally good girl, intelligent, too responsible to get bad grades, but at the same time stubborn, cheeky and constantly answering back. And every now and then up for some mischief of couse.

You see, I could never be a girl that's generally bad. It's just too sad. It means that someone there, in her past made a mistake and did not give her proper attention - that's why she is bad. And I don't want to be a person who was led down or ignored while in need of help.

I want to be a good girl, brought up and learnt of certain values and all that. But we are all humans, and do wrong things, and that's when there is place for roleplaying. Mmmmmm..... :)

Shooting, shooting, shooting...

2009-08-11T22:28:00.006+01:00

Couple of weeks has passed since my shoot with SoundPunishment but I just didn't have time to write about it earlier. But since some stuff is already available on the website is about time to...find some time ;)

It was fun, actually it was more than fun :)

We did three scenes. Starting nicely with a school girl spanking and bed time hairbrushing. Aegean suggested using slipper on me, but as the slipper was not a heavy gym shoe I express my doubts whether it will hurt. Anyway, I bent over to try it...and ended up on the bed swearing for couple minutes.

'Have you felt it?'
'Uh-huh'
'Do you want me to use it?'
Trying to disguise huge grin on my face 'Uh-huh'

So the very nice slippering followed, but somehow I really find it disappointing that it never hurts on camera as much as it does in private play. Though I certainly felt it! :) And a very sulky girl went to bed.

Later we did a reformatory scene. I wanted it scary and serious with strict rules. So we started thinking to what rules a girl in reformatory should be subjected to.

'4. You will make yourself available to anyone who will want to touch you' I said and burst out laughing. (Somehow reformatory always makes me think about Mandy)

Through the spasm of laughter I haven't heard him laughing. So I looked at him blushing and heard him saying.

'Are you serious?'

Yes, that's a good question...was I serious? LOL

And there was even sicker moment straight before we started shooting when I asked for more and harder...hate having to ask. But the strapping was worth it :)

And the tears that followed, so genuine.

I hope it will look at least half as good as I think! ;)

And then we moved to the last one, the one I dreading the whole day LOL It has been my long standing fantasy, I tried to do on camera for almost a year and I finally succeeded. And oh yes, I'm bloody proud of myself :)

So..ummm...yes, thighs caning. Meant to be a full dozen. Not a proper strokes really, rather flicks, but stung like hell. I was his maid/servant who broken a very precious glass (worth more than me – though I doubt that was actually said on film LOL). After the proper caning house owner decided to cane my thigh, as he wanted the marks to be visible and shame me each time anyone would look. And I couldn't believe myself, how deeply into the character I got by that point, but I actually started crying while begging him not to cane me. Just like that. And then the caning followed, and I spaced out even more kicking, wriggling and crying. Bliss...

I can't really wait to see what SoundPunishment's members reaction to those clips will be. They are obviously a fairly pure CP stuff, but nevertheless somewhat rather serious and darker that usual films commonly encountered on CP websites.

Because you know, if it will sell nicely I will be back for more! LOL

First part of reformatory scene (photos for now, I think) are already available and the rest should (as I have been told ;) ) follow during the next few weeks. So go and have a look, hope you will enjoy a bit more variety it added to the website ;)

Christmas wish

2009-07-31T22:04:00.004+01:00

Yes, I know, it's not Christmas yet ;)

But I read a story long time ago, and *she* had a Christmas wish. She wanted to explore her masochistic desires. She wanted the whole scene, the whole punishment to be concentrated on a single part of her body. On her breasts. No distraction, her mind focused on pain coming from one place.

He tied her down securely to the chair so she couldn't cover herself. Her breasts perfectly exposed. She wasn't gagged so she could scream, and as far as remember she screamed a lot while he kept torturing her breasts meticulously, slowly and fairly severely.

It's an interesting idea really. Though I'm used to follow exactly the opposite. Nothing gave me more self-awareness than having a chance to compare different sensations. Such as whipping all over my body. Different kind of pain coming when the whip hit my back, my bum, my legs, my breasts. I know it's all pain, but it feels completely differently. Wouldn't say better or worse, just differently. The variety doesn't seem to push me over the edge quicker but provides my mind with much more to feed upon.

Even if I do purely CP scene, which doesn't happen that often, I prefer to feel a few different implements than whole punishment being done with one. Again, the variety allows me to savour different sensations. I can compare them, I can try to remember the difference.

And, what I think is important for tops, it gives variety of responses from the abused girl. Something I think to be savoured by them.

Anyway, I do actually have a question for you girls. What gives you greater awareness of your body and likes...chance to compare sensations or to focus your mind on single kind of pain?
Oh, and yes, all guys that ever switched are most welcome to give their opinion as well ;)

Worshipping the nature

2009-07-25T21:47:00.006+01:00

I indeed should worship nature much more than I do. Why? Cause they provide lovely switches and don't ask for anything in return! ;)

I'm in absolute love with having lower part of my bum and my legs switched. I'm a bit obsessive about having my legs smacked/caned apart from that too. But those switched are just the best.

We found a perfect place where they just lie on the ground waiting for you to pick them up. Of course HH needed to try how effective they are straight away. Well, at that time temperature was below 10 so I actually didn't appreciate them properly LOL but we still took them home.

It hasn't been actually a love from the beginning. I developed my appreciation over the time, to the point that when he broke it on me I was truly sad.

But we just make a trip next day to the same place and this time we brought home more than one. Actually we picked up around 6-7 and HH insisted on trying them there and then so that we won't bother with those less effective.

What could I do? I half stripped and grabbed the familiar tree for support. After few dozens all together we made his mind on which are the most worth taking home.

After photographic my bum he thought of making that pic...

...but then I decided I want to hold all switches that were tried on me not just the one that passed the tests.

So we did.

And guess what? We didn't know any longer which were those rejected! So I was made bend over and the cruel him gave me another few dozens to check all of them again! Hmpf!

Spanking therapy?

2009-07-23T21:12:00.004+01:00

I have been off to see kinky friends recently. It's not that we actually planned to play but it was obvious we would. And whether I liked it or not I was completely not in a mood to play. There was too much stress, not enough food and sleep during the few weeks before that and I expected that my first reaction to actually being spanked will be irritation.

But it all started to change on the day and a huge smile got stuck to my face on the train.

Yet it didn't really increase my confidence. Each time that evening I was bending over there was that question in my head...will I be able to take?

What seems like ages ago Eliane made that post showing clear connection between busy life/stress and ability to take it, or rather lack of it. I always got that feeling as well, that stress, especially the first impact of it, reduces your pain tolerance.

Yet, lucky me, once we started playing, and Abel started swinging all the horrible straps I was in the perfect mood. I needed it and it seemed there was nothing I wasn't up for taking.

Well, I always knew that being whacked is a perfect way to un-stress me, but I never thought it works in a such straightforward way.

I think spanking should be officially recognised as a remedy for stress... LOL

Careful what you wish for girl?

2009-07-18T17:53:00.006+01:00

There are those times when I think I really should be more careful what I wish for. I made that post while ago, and although there was no rape in reality there was definitely *too* many hands abusing me.

But starting from the beginning...

I found myself in the same room with huge amount of kinky people, most of them that I just met few minutes ago (NB. Huge in my dictionary means anything above 8, and there was probably something like 12-15 people...I think ;) ) They were all talking and laughing and I just felt I don't fit there. I sat there for few minutes smiling and laughing at appropriate moments but soon I realised it was just pointless. I really didn't fit there so I sneaked to the other room and started entertaining myself by looking through the huge collection of implements (NB. This time huge means way more that 100 ;) ).

After 5 minutes or so HH went into the room holding rope. Couple of minutes later and dozens of ways of protesting tested I was tied naked to bed and left in the bedroom. Next thing I know there were three pairs of hands touching me all over my body. (I should probably add that one pair belonged to a guys I met less than an hour ago and we were barely introduced to each oher LOL)

I had tears all over my face within seconds. Why?

That's actually a good question. Point is I really felt like it was too much for me. And I couldn't understand why. It's what I wanted, right? It's what my mind and body finds hot pretty much at any time. But being there, tied, smacked and played with by three guys, with HH being the only one I knew properly somehow was too much for me.

I know that most of it was done for me. And I really felt guilty I couldn't appreciate it the way I expected I would. So I kept crying, with my eyes shut tightly feeling ashamed.

And then gradually but quite suddenly I felt myself sinking in. I felt relaxed and safe. What seemed to be too much just a minute before wasn't anymore.

(That's the first, and probably the last time I'm posting photo like that, but my eyes are just transfixed to the way my skin on my thighs is twisted. So that's the part your eyes should be transfixed to as well. Ignore the rest of the it!)

Hands squeezing my breasts, pinching my nipples, spreading my legs, touching and probing. I felt like such a perfect toy unable to escape or protect herself. It's such a powerful thing when a pair of strong hands grabs you legs and spreads them, the humiliation, fear and some sick form of eroticism just in a right balance.

(And I felt so secure that no one was actually expecting me to take pleasure out of it or worse have orgasm)

I remember them trying to make me open my eyes, but I was so embarrassed I couldn't. So the abuse, touching, squeezing, probing continued and I was truly flying, again... I was lost in my own mind, absorbing the scene with my whole body (I just hope guys enjoyed themselves as much as I did!)

There was some smacking involved, but generally the whole scene was pretty much painless in physical terms. Once they were done with me for now I was untied from the bed and drag with the rope still around my wrists to the hall and tied to the stairs for anyone passing to see (or play with) me.

Yes, I was drag there, literally, as being there meant I would be closer to those 10+ people sitting just behind the wall, taking, laughing and drinking while little me all in tears was being secured to make some alive kinky version of exhibition. Charming, isn't it? ;)

Fortunately I wasn't left there for long, and soon I was untied, feeling safe in my tormentors arms crying all I needed. And oh boy, there was a lot emotions to cry them out...

Coming back to the beginning of the post though, maybe after all I shouldn't be too concerned what I wish for... :)

Governor's girl

2009-07-16T22:14:00.001+01:00

There is that Governor that like girls company in his bed. He picks a girl among all the prisoners and demand she entertains him. Sometimes he wants her to spend whole night with him so he can abuse her and molest whenever he wakes up. Sometimes he just comes first thing in the morning to fuck her roughly.

If he particularly likes a girl she is indeed in trouble as he might request her presence all over again, he might even find a way to extend her imprisonment.

I like those little scenes as they are so straightforward. Last time, from the point he grabbed my hand to the moment he pushed his cock inside me barely two minutes has passed. I was still sleepy and only half-ready so it hurt and it all felt so right. I only wish he pushed in at once (but he is just ever so conscious not to damage me, I'm a tiny girl after all ;) )

Shame to admit, but although barely couple of minutes has passed I was already wet enough to be fucked.

Jessica has made that post recently where she said 'Well actually, I was turned on in my head, but my body was a little bit behind. A bit slow in responding!'

I wish my body was slow in responding. But it's never like that. My body is always first. Even if the scene is not about rape or any other form of sexual abuse, I'm just wet. And it's so rarely coupled with my mind actually wanting to be fucked. Sometimes if the scene is a good mind fuck I don't even feel being wet, and I only know how aroused I was after the scene.

I would gladly give up that constant wetness. It doesn't really help much, and during those times when a poor prisoner is sexually abused by a guard or a Governor himself it actually spoils the thing. I'm sure it would hurt much more if I wasn't so damn wet! Well, hurt the right way...

The only moments when being wet is actually of any use is when I'm being touched and feel so, so ashamed of it. It brings just the right kind of humiliation.

But for fucking, it's just so terribly bad to be wet all the time. I wonder what it would take to catch my body 'of guarded'. After all it would be so much more genuine if I wasn't (or at least less) wet while being raped...

When Cocoa Butter is of NO use!

2009-07-13T22:33:00.003+01:00

Seriously, if you are around for a while you must have heard from multiple girl miracles about Palmer's Cocoa Butter. The point is, it's not always so rosy.

Note to myself:
Never allow a top to lotion your abused bum if you know that within next hour or so he will order you to spread your cheeks and hold them like that because he wants to strap your anus. Bloody cheeks will get so slippery you can't hold them apart!

More thoughts on sex and rape

2009-07-11T23:23:00.003+01:00

If I was about to count, those are probably rape scenes that backfire more often that anything else all together. Reason is very simple – I just enjoy that too much.

I know, you might think I'm crazy trying to deny the fact that sex can be pleasurable. I don't deny it, I know it can be a pleasure, and just I don't want that way.

If I do a rape scene and it's not as scary/violent/humiliating as I want and need it to be I start to enjoy myself on a purely physical level. Enjoying the way I assume vanilla people enjoy sex. But that's it, the end, nothing comes from that enjoyment. There is no mindfuck, there is no headspace. There is even no chance for me to have orgasms, I simply can't have it without pain.

The point in the scene when when my body starts enjoying being fucked is the worst feeling I ever had kink-associated. Sometimes I get all confused enough to think I do can have orgasm. And then I feel guilty, and hate myself...And I know, that part sounds seriously crazy, I agree. But that's just me I hate myself for enjoying sex.

Kevin doesn't really understand why, so I don't expect you to understand it. It just seems wrong when I enjoy being fucked. I so much more prefer when it hurts, when I'm scared and humiliated.

But now, when I got used to the idea of doing a rape scene it's not as shocking and scary as it was at the beginning. Now without that feeling 'oh my god, I'm doing a rape scene' just doing it is no more powerful enough to put me into right headspace.

Violent rape is not Kevin's thing (unfortunately :( ). And as much as I would like the coercion thing to work on me it doesn't. At least not enough.

But being used does. We did that scene a while ago. He was fucking her, after she endured punishment for being disobedient and rebellious when my stupid body chose to be aroused over it which irritated me as usually.

At some point my hand wondered between my legs and he pushed it way. (Is it called orgasm denial by any chance? Well it wasn't an orgasm denial as there was no chance for me to have orgasm in the first place.) It felt right. When I tried again he slapped my hand and punished my breasts. And it felt even more right.

That's really a key to it. It's ok if I will enjoy myself if I know I will be punished for it. It makes sense, and I don't hate myself that way. And if I know I will be punished I start to enjoy myself in different way. Better and kinky way. There is the thrill of doing something forbidden and threat of imminent punishment and of much more.

After Kevin pushed my hand away and slapped my breasts he made it clear that I'm not supposed to enjoy myself. That I'm just used for his pleasure. And will be used as it suits him. His words worked on me like narcotic instantly pushing my mind into right place where I could cry and feel miserable.

I loved the place where my mind drifted to. Being used, and just fucked for the sake of fucking. Having no right to enjoy myself. Being just a toy to be played with...

There seem to be interesting difference between sex and fucking. Having sex is not ok, being fucked is very much ok. Of course I wouldn't like myself to be fucked, but if it's my character that suffers it's...kind of...errr...more sane?

(I'm having sex/fucking/rape stuff on my mind recently, so if you are fed up with my 'I like being used' kind of story you might want to stay away for a while. ;) )

Being in need...

2009-07-09T19:02:00.002+01:00

While back ago there was that situation when I asked HH to whack me. I will spare you the whole story of what led to it, but needless to say there was so many negative and sad emotions in me I needed to get over it before we could go on and enjoy the weekend and play.

Few minutes later I was bend over, bare bottom waiting for the strap to fall down. I really needed at that time to be beaten hard to get over that mess in my head, but I was hardly prepared for what followed.

It hurt. And hurt. And hurt. And HURT!

Until I gave up and wriggled out away from the blows.

There was no roleplay, no character to shield myself with, no reason for my suffering. Apart from my need to suffer it that is. But as the pain came that 'need to suffer' was close to disappearing.

I looked pitifully at HH signalling I couldn't take it any more. And I terribly relieved that he took no notice of it. For the first time I was actually feeling, I knew, that once over I will feel batter. Even if during was not nice at all.

I bent over again. No tears at all this time, just stubbornness to make it through. But I still couldn't take it. Few smacked and I wriggled out again.

Oh bloody hell, I just couldn't. But again, HH took no notice of it and made me bent back. But he didn't rush me like sometimes during the roleplay when I feel his hand pushing me down. He let me work in my own speed saying that he has whole afternoon.

I don't remember at which point he changed straps. He switched the tawse-like medium heavy thing for a huge, wide, perforated strap. It looks very scary and all that, and feel heavy but due to its width it's not unbearable. It does take a lot to get used to the feeling but it is possible.

I think I got 8 with it that time. Thankfully, by the time he started enough adrenaline and endorphins kicked in for me to keep fairly still. I took it nicely bent over, shaking and suffering it through. That was the feeling I waited for, that I needed so much.

I know it's cheating and all that when you use playing to get over you own emotions and sort out you own mess, but hey... ;)

(For record: HH hasn't forced me to anything. I'm utterly grateful he wasn't bothered that it seemed to be too much for me. He knew that I would want him to continue and was disappointed if he stopped.)

So..and example of DD? Or too much consent in consent?

Trying to accommodate your needs...

2009-07-07T22:41:00.011+01:00

Seriously, I got quite a few emails saying people want more pics on my blog so I talked HH into trying to accommodate those needs :). At least as much as it was possible. It was a sunny day (though awfully cold!) and he tricked me into trying some outdoor stuff.

Oh, well, I admit that a little bit of half-public camera-whoring sounded intriguing. It was suppose to be my first ever experience with photography that did not included action shots. Yes, people usually whack me when they take pics.

So we departed toward seaside. And the closer we got the more excited I was. So I was very disappointed that place that we thought will be deserted was in fact not. (You see that half in half-public camera-whoring in reality means there was supposed to be no people LOL) We looked around for like ages to find something suitable. And the sun light was getting worse and worse. And I was getting sadder and sadder.

But then we stumbled across the bridge, or rather under the bridge part. Which was far from perfect but I was really feeling very disappointed so it was better than nothing.

As I said day was sunny, but since it was already around 5pm, the bloody sun was gone and the temperature got below 10 + wind. *Not* a good condition for your first ever experience with nude photography. It was cold, awkward and frustrating as I had less than no idea what to do. And then that group of 6 young people stumbled upon us. And I jumped to hid myself behind the corner.

I could hear HH talking with them and thought I will die of shame (if not of cold)

But soon they were gone and we tried to resume photographic 'the worst ever model'. I went back behind the corner only to...realise the group of young guys (and one girl) was waiting there for me!

Hey, I do have certain inhibitions and having an audience like that was way to much for me, I got dressed and went back there to see whether they were still waiting. But they were gone by then, probably had realised that the show was over.

At that point there was so much adrenaline in me I needed to use it constructively.

Once I actually had a good look behind that corner I realised that if HH stand up and I would crawl toward him it might be more of an action with no awkward posing I couldn't do anyway.

So I stripped and we gave it a go.

Half way up I realised there was a guy with a dog walking there! Well, he must have though HH was photographic the landscape because he didn't look at me at all. But I could see his back while crawling most of the way up.

I only hoped that if I would see him turning around I would have managed to lie down in the grass and he wouldn't see me.

In a way it's good that the dog was not trained in girl-hunt LOL

Once I was up, with all those memories of random people being so close to stare at my naked body, and so much adrenaline still in my blood I found that a little bit of posing was not that difficult after all.

Once I frozen properly I was finally allowed to get dressed. Guess what, just after we departed on our way back we stumbled across the same group of young people. And one of them actually whistled and the rest of them applauded my little camera-whoring.

Actually guys were somewhat ashamed at looking directly at me. But the girl wasn't, I think she was jealous and wanted to strip as well LOL

(HH later regretted not taking pic of that group as they first approached, would be nice evidence in here LOL)

Slippered just because

2009-07-05T22:57:00.004+01:00

(I'm still in a weird mood, but it doesn't interefere with sharing that little scene with you.)

As HH already mentioned in the comment here, one of the more memorable (feelable?) thing was the slippering* at the end. It's all Emma's fault btw, she wanted him to slipper me from her. *sulk*

So, at the very end of the weekend, when I was already properly sore and tender I still had slippering to go, and something told me it wasn't going to be a light slippering.

He made me take of my my trousers and panties and them ordered to bend over and touch my toes. Oh boy. We tried that before, impact and pain of slippering in such position sends me across the room and then onto the floor shaking from pain. I simply knew I wont be able to take much in that position.

But I bent over. First stroke wasn't that bad as it landed mostly on my bum but still I collapsed onto the floor as my knees failed me. It bloody hurt.

Bending over for the second stroke was much harder, I knew how bad it will get and I was more and more convinced it's beyond my capabilities to take.

But little did I know how much more it could hurt. Rest of the strokes, whole eleven landed much lower, on my lower bum, crease, and tops of my thigh. In such stretched position it just kills.

What gave me the strength to get up from the floor after each stroke and bend over I have no idea. Don't ask.

When I assumed position after third stroke I was all scared and terrified. I couldn't stop my body from trembling and flinching. When he tapped the slipper against my bum I moved and straightened feeling that my body just wasn't going to cooperate with me. As much I wanted to take it was just too painful.

Nevertheless, sense of guilt that I moved, that I was so weak made me apologise and bend over straight away. Too late though as I had one extra to suffer. He said it's ok to move after the stroke but not before when he aims.

The additional stroke wasn't so bad. I could feel it was harder than the few before that, but sense of guilt helped me take it.

When the proper fourth came something broke in me. Tears appeared so suddenly and in such quantities even I was surprised. After crying for few seconds I tried to get up and assume position, but I couldn't. I froze somewhere in between, half bent, with my hands on my knees. As much as I wanted I just couldn't make my body bend properly. (It's amazing how four hard low strokes with a slipper in proper position can reduce me to tears, it would take probably two dozens with a cane to do that.)

I cried some more in that half-bent position trying to make myself bend more and failed.
'I can't,' came out of my mouth deformed by heavy sobbing.

When I play with HH, the 'I can't' usually works as a safeword, or rather comes together with a safeword. But at that time I wasn't safewording, I was just stating the fact, it hurt to much and I couldn't bend over. (I was too lost in a sensation to think about safewording.)

It hurt too much to bend over, but not to take it. I wanted to take it, I *needed* to take no matter how painful was it about to get.

I felt HH hand pushing me down and I gave up lowering my hands onto the floor and assuming the required position. It was so welcomed, his hand pushing me ever so lightly yet firmly. I know I wouldn't have bent without his help.

And then the fifth stroke came, and the sixth, and seventh, and eight.

Each one sending me onto the floor from the impact and pain. More and more tears rolling down my cheeks and nose. I took couple of strokes shaking like mad unable to keep my body still. But it helped, I like taking it when my body trembles, somehow it helps me let out of some fear without interfering with the scene.

I think there were one or two stokes when I managed to stay on my feet though my knees buckled dangerously. But apart from that after each one I have been getting up from the floor, fighting the common sense to run away. I doubt I ever put myself voluntarily through so much pain. I never had to struggle so much to get into position, having a chair, table or anything helps, but during that slippering all I could relay on was my own free will to get up for more. To do that, I needed to accept a lot of pain, I needed to make peace with it.

(Somewhere around ninth strokes I actually regretted it was supposed to be just 12. I wanted more, I wanted to push myself further than ever before. Although getting up and bending over was getting more an more difficult each time I wanted to know how much I could take.)

When the eleventh one landed I was expecting to feel relief it was just the last one ahead, but in that moment is wasn't *just* one. It was *the* one. And I knew it would be the hardest one. And it was.

I collapsed fully onto floor, my face lying on the carpet, all dignity gone. I was crying heavily, sobbing and shaking while struggling to breathe.

'I haven't said it's the end,' I heard HH saying.

It brought me back from savouring my misery to reality immediately. I stopped crying and looked at him scared, but somehow ready for more.

'But it is,' he added.

I couldn't have been more ignorant to the fact that I have been just cheated of some more abuse, I went back to crying and shaking as nothing happened.

Soon I was lying safely in his arms, crying all I needed and listening to how brave I was and how proud of me he was....mmmmmmm....

*Slipper = heavy rubber gym shoes (bloody heavy!)

Feeling slavie

2009-07-04T00:23:00.002+01:00

Yesterday Emma Jane said she wants to bully me and get into trouble for it in some roleplay. My response to that was obvious, I doubt I can be bullied, because my natural response would be to give back.

But then I stopped and thought. During my whole childhood I was never bullied, which seems to be surprising as I have always been a weird kid. The reason though I was always left alone was they were afraid I would give back and no one ever seemed to test that. Would I really give back? I used to think so, but now I'm not sure any more.

I seem to have lost my instinct to fight somehow.

Sometimes I *really* think that being a slave would be a great idea.

You don't have to have any responsibilities. No problems of real life. You don't have to go to work and earn for living. You don't have to talk to people you hate and they hate you and ask for help. You don't need to deal with the usual shit. And you can cry whenever you want.

All you have to do is be obedient and perform simple tricks.

And the rules are obvious, system of rewords and punishment so clear.

I would never thought that anything like that can sound tempting for me. I like responsibility, it used to be the reason for me to live. But recently I just so much don't want to fight any more.

Like today for example, I have been bossed around and I took it silently. Well, ok, I rebelled anyway, but I just chose not to have verbal confrontation. Not like me.

It make me think whether playing makes me so soft in real life. Whether after I have tasted what it means to have no responsibility in a roleplay I wish I could have it all the time. It just sounds so peaceful not to have to struggle through life. The whole word can be as fair as I want it to be.

I don't have to be brave or constantly in control. I don't have to think. And I cry instead of swallowing tears.

And the whole thing of pleasing Him sounds not so bad too. After all then he would protect His little slave from all the nasty word.

I'm pretty sure that those non-responsibility cravings will be soon gone and I will be usual fighting me, but in case I will be silent for some time – I'm off curing my weird new temptations.

Oh, btw - I'm a spanking model

2009-07-02T21:31:00.005+01:00

I went to see a physiotherapist last week. Before the visit I decided I need to tell her about the kinky stuff. I went there complaining about pain in my leg, upper bum and lower back, I *needed* to know it's not playing that is responsible for it.
But how the hell was I suppose to do that?

'Oh, by the way, I like having my bum thrashed, can it make the pain in leg and back worse?' LOL Somehow that just sounds way to sick.

So after she ask me all the normal question I decided to use a little bit more delicate approach.

'I think there is something more I need to tell you...You see...I'm...I'm...I really don't know how to say it (she moved closer to me as I started whispering)...I'm a fetish model.

Clearly no understanding on on her face.

'Yyy...A spanking model'

She nodded violently like she knew everything about spanking model.

'So... (I continued feeling a little bit encouraged) I do get regularly beaten on my bum...with various implements...I have been thinking whether it can make the pain in my back worse. I do know that some of the girl doing *that* had some back problems...not that I play that hard. Anyway, I just thought you should know about it...'

'It's ok (she reassured) It's good you tell me that.'

'I don't really think it might make it worse, but...'

'Tell me, when you do that, are you required to be in any awkward positions?'

Like seriously 'required'?? 'REQUIRED'?! Is it only me or it sounds like she knows more about D/s than I? LOL

'No, I do not play with ropes (I answered carefully, determined NOT to use word bondage). Usually I have my hands and legs free so I can move if I want to.'

'Ok. I really it don't think it's the cause. Anyway, how often you do that?'

“Yyyyy...Every two weeks, sometimes less frequently, sometimes more...depend...' (because if I have longer break from being whacked I just go nuts LOL)

I'm sure I was blushing like hell LOL And I know, I probably didn't need to tell her about the whole CP stuff, I was 95% sure it's not playing, but still, I *needed* the reassurance I can go off and play all I want.

Later on she asked me to bend over and touch the floor which I did with no problems putting my whole palms flat.

'Easily' (came the comment and I needed to bite my tongue not to say 'normal in my profession' LOL)

Anyway, the cause of my problem seems to be my stupid arched back. So in case have been a fan of my arched back (because of course it's arched back, not bum that spankos are into LOL) have a nice pic,

I regret to inform you though that Kami Robertson doesn't posses back that arches any more. Well, in theory it still arches, but I'm having serious conversation with my spine to stop arching, one day I will convince it to stop ;)

Missing the arched back already? Right, have one more pic ;)

And anotehr one,

Apparently simple advice to sit and stand differently plus some exercises helped me considerably. Back pain is gone, and I can again sleep properly :) I went today to see her again and I have been told I have been good girl and put a lot of work to modify my posture :)

Small problem is that I was marked. No flattering straight cane marks, I have huge, the most unflattering bruise I have ever had. Looks like someone kicked me, which is not so far from true considering the fact it was slipper that did it! LOL

Anyway, I know she noticed, but really, it's so deep and faint it can be easily taken for some skin discolouration, if it just wasn't so bloody painful! Still, it might be good I didn't try to traumatise her with black bruising all over my bum LOL Unless she really knows more about spanking models and D/s that I would give her credits for! LOL

Sauces

2009-06-30T20:29:00.001+01:00

Nope, post will not be about cooking LOL Sauces, especially tabasco, have few other application as well in case you didn't know. Actually, tabasco is not edible for me at all. I would never put it inside my mouth. Put it somewhere else...well...that's a different story ;)

Probably if I knew how awful it can get I would have never thought of trying it. Seriously. I was tricked into it in the most unfair way you can think of. I haven't actually said yes, it was my body that did. And then I missed a change to say no. And then it was too late...

It's probably the most painful thing I have experienced during kinky play. It's not actually pain, it's more of a burning. The worst burning I can think of and it feels unbearably hot.

Anything will make it worse, touching, water, ice, movement of air...anything. It lasts al least 40 minutes probably up to an hour and much more until it will fade completely. But usually after half an hour or so it gets bearable. Bearable meaning you can concentrate your thoughts on something else, as oppose to how much it burns.

You don't need much of the tabasco for it. Less than a drop will be enough, believe me! Warmness comes within seconds, and after a minute or so I'm one shaking and crying little girl.

Usually there is that one brief moment when I think it's too much, when my mind begins to panic. But then adrenaline and endorphins kicks in and it doesn't matter how much it hurts. At that point I want that, I *need* that.

I still cry and struggle against the restrains though, it's too much to take it while being perfectly still for me. Of course moving makes it worse, but I can't relax no matter what.

It's an agony if he wants to touch there, it squeezes more tears out of me, and a lot of pleads and begging usually follows. It burns and burns and burns.

It's even worse when he presses my knees together, my whole body arches and it all hurts so much I can't plead any more. If I can speak at all it's usually along the line of 'please let me spread my legs' no matter how humiliating and whore-like it sounds. But it just hurts *so* much.

And just when I think it's over and begin to calm down slowly he touches me there again and everything is back. Pain. Burning. Tears. And pleads.

I was once threatened with second dose once I begun to surface. I doubt it would actually do anything, but I don't look forward to trying it out. Just in case the burning would be back...

Each time it's over, and I open my eyes slowly, when the real world is still blurred, I think never again. And I keep thinking never again until next time when the warmness transforms into unbearable hotness. But then, it's too late. And I have another 45 minutes of pure agony...

It make me think how awful would it be to be fucked during the first 15 minutes or so of that torture. (Though I doubts any top would risk getting somehow tiny amount of tabasco on his precious 'thing') It sounds like a perfect way of punishing a whore though. Pure hell for her while he takes all the pleasure...

(I don't want to be smart-ass but if you think you want to try, PLEASE be sure you really want to. It DOES last more than half an hour you will NOT be able to stop it. Milk should help, but will not stop it completely. Using microscopic amount of tabasco cuts the time half and the feeling is less overwhelming too.)

Oh, and if will try or have any previous experience with tabasco DO let me ;)

Obsessed

2009-06-29T19:29:00.004+01:00

I'm afraid I'm completely mad. And play-hungry. And obsessed. And absolutely insatiable.

I spent the last weekend playing. And playing pretty much all the time. On Sunday apart from time for eating and short trip to the part (in which I was molested a bit too) not even half an hour was wasted. Feels like we have been playing *constantly*.

Actually, I think that this time I was far more obsessed with playing than HH. Not that he complained of course ;). Though, I remember him saying once or twice the the life of a top is hard LOL.

I think my bum took more than ever before. And my crease. And the top of my thighs. I was spanked, slippered, birched, strapped, hairbrushed (bloody hard), caned, paddled, spanked, strapped, spanked, strapped, slippered. I probably missed something, but that looks like a pretty good chronology of my recent suffering. Each of them, beatings, perfectly memorable.

Did I have enough? Nope. Well, my bum did, but my appetite for playing is still present. God, I'm just so, so seriously obsessed with playing. I think I'm addicted.

On Saturday evening I announced to HH that I'm never, ever again going to go to bed in his house with a cold bum, I think he quite liked it ;).

Funny thing, I'm not as tired as usually after playing, I think I still have tons of endorphins running through my body.

Damn it. Is it really so sick to want to play all the time when I'm with kinky people? (LOL, I almost feel like I forced HH to play so much ;) )

Two minute gap...

2009-06-24T19:03:00.000+01:00

(Right, I'm getting old. It's my 21st birthday. There is no place in the world when I'm under-age now. I'm soooooooooo old LOL. I had an idea while ago to celebrate it in a kinky way. I wanted to do something sever and hard. Push my limits. But with my pain tolerance soaring recently, it would damage me too much. And I'm not ready to have to recover for 2 months or so.
So there is another way on my part to celebrate it. I wrote a post couple of weeks ago and was chickening out from posting it. It's sick, horrible – as always anything on that blog – but also very intimate. So what's the best excuse to post it than birthday?
Go and have a read, savour and enjoy my misery. And remember savour and enjoy it properly, it's my birthday after all :P)

She was a girl sex trafficked from the Eastern Europe. They lured her with the promise of great money and better life. I don't know what they really told her. Whether she knew she will be forced into prostitution or not. I think she might have suspected that the 'well paid job' they promised would involve selling her body. But she was too desperate and naïve to fully comprehend what she getting herself into.

She arrived to England, tired after the long journey. She was shipped from hands to hands through numerous boarders by people richly paid to smuggle girls like she. Soon after the arrival her passport was confiscated with the promise it will be returned whenever she asks provided she will pay all her debts. Which were huge by that time.

She was shown to her room, far nicer than what she used to leave in. There was bathroom there so she could take a long shower and relax after the exhausting journey. But with all the worries, questions and fear all she could do was seat at the edge of bed and wait. Swinging back and forth nervously.

Alexander came soon with a short visit to introduce her to the new rules. He confirmed she could ask for her passport whenever she wanted after she has paid all the money back, for her journey, for the apartment, for the clothes, for the fees for people that smuggled her through the boarded into the European Union, for... The list was endless, so the poor girl didn't even ask about the actual price of her freedom.

She was also told that there are three ways she could work for them. On a street being hooked by any random guy wanting to fuck her, with the fees being appropriately low, having to work in any weather conditions, sun or snow. In various houses, for selected clients. Or in luxurious apartments, for the richest clientèle with whom she would be safe and richly paid by.

The choice was her. And it only depended on her behaviour. If she would cooperate her living and working conditions would improve, if she was defiant or not perceived as satisfactory by clients she would be thrown out to work on the street.

Alexander took great pleasure in touching her while he spoke. Nothing too intrusive but Liana already felt dirty and humiliated. She tried to push away his hands but he didn't like it. He just pinched her harder and kept touching. Like she was his property.

At some point he grabbed her hair and pushed her on the wall dragging her from the bed. His touch become more perversive with his hands wondering between her legs. He made her strip and the girl was so scared she didn't dare to refuse. She was there, standing in front of him naked and vulnerable unable to stop all what was about to happen.

He touched her between her legs and could feel she was already wet. He knew she would made a perfect whore if prepared and broken properly. She was young and fresh, surely there was plenty of pervert willing to pay loads of money to put their hands on her. And abuse her as it suited them.

He told her about the punishment for all the minor infraction – the cane. Seconds later the girl found herself bent over the table tasting it so she would know what would happen if she was disobedient. She got 12 strokes that left her sobbing quietly clutching the edge of the table and her virgin bum sore.
He tried to make her witness her own punishment in the mirror but she couldn't open her eyes, she just couldn't.

When she heard him unzipping his trousers she could feel her eyes filling with tears. She knew what would happened. When he put his hand between her legs and commented her as 'ready' it only sealed her fate. Seconds later she could feel his cock pushing in, and then out, and in, and out and in. Seemed like eternity. Her hips were bumping against the table and more tears poured down her face when she fully realised her hopeless situation.

Somewhere in the middle he made her sit on the edge of the table and the fucking continued. By that time tears smeared all her make-up making her look so miserable. In that position he could fuck her deeper, not bothered by the fact she was a tiny girl and it hurt, his cock each time pushing against her cervix.

But somewhere there deep down, her body was enjoying it. Her body enjoyed being used and abused as it suited him. She found peace in pain. But the embarrassment was worse, she couldn't open her eyes no matter what. His threads didn't make her look at him. He even slapped her. Nothing worked. Nothing could make her look into his eyes while he was fucking her.

When he pulled out she really hoped he would leave her now to cry out all the misery on her own. But he wasn't done, not by a long shot. He caned her for being disobedient and then reached for a lube. When she felt his finger covered in lubricant around her anus she was too shocked to believe it. Even second later when he grabbed her and pushed in she was half expecting it to be a bad dream.

Until the pain struck. So horrible ad excruciating that her whole world was instantly reduced to the one single sensation of a one muscle being broken and the wave of pain that followed second later. Before she managed to process the pain he pulled in and out making it hurt even more. She couldn't stand it, she burst into tears and tried to push him away. Anything to stop that pain. But nothing could stop it, even when she managed to escape his cock the pain was still there. Awful, tearing pain that kept spreading but didn't seem to fade...

I remember collapsing on the floor just absolutely overwhelmed by how much it hurt. I knew that kind of pain, but it was never so intense before. I was shaking and crying, I think I actually lost contact with reality for a minute or two. I don't remember how I find myself on the bed later, crying, hugged by him.

Obviously the scene has ended. And obviously I somehow managed to get up from the floor and walk towards the bed with his help, but I don't remember it. First memory I'm completely sure of was lying in his arms, held tightly feeling safe and secure.

I was still crying like mad, fighting for breath. I remember him talking to me. Don't really remember the words, he was just talking because the silence for uncomfortable for him. I suppose he needed my assurance I was ok, but I was surfacing from the headspace so slowly I just couldn't speak, not yet.

I remember opening my eyes thinking I'm out of it, but then it was like bumping against the wall and I was back in my misery, crying and shaking. I tried three times to come back to reality. I really tried to speed it, I did feel the need to reassure him I was ok. But it doesn't work that way, the bigger the mindfuck and the deeper I submerge into the headspace the more difficult and slower coming back becomes. It's not something I can speed whenever I feel like. I do have sometimes more control, but that time I had none. I suppose I kept crying and sobbing in his arms for at least 10 minutes before I could safely open my eyes and see the shapes of the furniture not blurred. I could again breathe normally, able to talk and smile.

That was shit powerful. Just so damn powerful I can't find words to describe it...

And yet more for Charlotte

2009-06-22T20:47:00.001+01:00

As I wrote in last post, it was my damn idea that he should take me upstairs. When he agreed and I was instructed to go to the room and I felt lovely excited (after all who wouldn't be knowing she will be thrashed in a minute ;) )

I went there not knowing why I would be thrashed, but it really didn't matter that much. I had cravings on purely physical level. Of course having a mind fuck along with a good whacking is even better ;).

So when he grabbed my hair and called me Charlotte I was in right mood straight away. Actually I went so deep into headspace from the first minute that I remember the whole scene in flashes with part of the chronology being gone.

So, he grabbed my hair...I was informed of the obvious that I did not do my best last time...that the client wasn't happy with performance...that I need to be punished for it.

And then he slapped me. I almost felt that spark of electricity that brought us closer, and at that point Kami was gone completely leaving Charlotte alone at the mercy of that sick man.

When he ordered me to strip I did it so quickly I don't even remember doing it. As soon as I was done he grabbed my hair again and squeezed my breasts. My nipples were pinched. Then I felt his hand moving lower and spreading my legs.

There was nothing gentle about it and I thrived on the aggression and violence of that absolutely spontaneous scene. I used to be complete sucker for being forced, for being violently handled, used and abused. The thought that I'm so tiny and he can do whatever he wants mind fucking ever so intensely.

While still holding my hair he pushed me onto the table. I felt so vulnerable and exposed, knowing that both my mind and body would be abused as it suited him. He picked up a cane, nasty and thick one. Thick canes don't touch my bottom, but at that moment it didn't really matter. I was completely lost.

And the caning commenced. Not excessively hard, but enough to make me squirm and squeal. I counted 6..12...and then got lost. It was too fast and too many of strokes. I could feel I couldn't take any more, that I needed a break. I moved my hand toward my bum hoping he will stop. He didn't. I kicked my leg with the same hope. Didn't work.

Caning continued, by now exceeding 2 dozens. I was panicking, but all that fear was greatly dulled by how exciting it all was. It pushed me so much, yet it didn't break me. I was squirming like hell and I was getting seriously crazy, it hurt so much, but I didn't dare to move my bum as long as I could hear the cane swishing.

Along with the fear and pain getting worse I was feeling so utterly proud I could take it. That I could do something that few minuets before I though is absolutely impossible for me to do. I could literally feel having living daylights thrashed out of me.

And then the caning was over and my legs failed me, I collapsed on the floor crying, absolutely trapped in the ever present misery. But he wasn't finished, I felt his hand grabbing my hair and lifting me up.

I was informed I got 50 strokes. Then he said it's not over, and before I realised I was pushed over the table again. For more. Another 20 strokes landed on my bum. And more tears soaked into the tablecloth.

Then, I was again on the floor, crying and shaking. But this time in his arms, feeling so utterly safe and cared for. I could cry all I needed. He stroked my hair, and kissed my head. I remember my hand touching my bum and feeling how swollen and full of welts it was.

I was still scared though and I couldn't fully comprehend how all that happened. How is it that he knew I could take it but I didn't? How is it I can find so much peace in such suffering?
But soon, the fear was gone and I was left with the huge satisfaction and happiness.

I can't even put into words how happy I am to play with people who a) would never violate my trust and are so, so worthy any trust I can put in them and b) will indulge all those sick needs of mine. And vice versa of course, that they trust me enough to those things to/with me.

Whacked

2009-06-20T22:36:00.007+01:00

I'm still a bit dead, but much more alive now after hours and hours of sleep. So I thought it's my time to add something. Of course I'm the last one so you probably know already from all-those-wonderful-girls-who-update-their-blogs-regularly what happened.

Some of them were 'unlucky' to be whacked and abused over the period of 3, 4 or more days. For the first time I'm actually happy that my involvement consisted of one evening – it was definitely enough!

Where should I start? 3PM sounds good. I was still at work, clock-watching every 2 minutes and dropping everything I had in my hands, constantly. No, I wasn't nervous I just was way over-excited. I needed to be spanked. Like hell. And where to ask for a spanking that in kinky house hosting bunch of kinky people? :)

At the beginning there was a bit of usual shyness, but surprisingly it was quite ok...once I have been whacked that is.

It all started from a shoelace. I know old and used trick, but ;). I took it out completely and throw it under the sofa. I still don't know how He knew it was me (there was at least 6 other girls present capable of doing it). Oh, wait a second, I do actually know why LOL

Soon I was lying flat on bed with my trousers and panties pulled down. Abel provided quite a nice implement (Seriously, it *was* nice. Which is weird, because even Abel himself admits he has no nice implements and if there are any they are well hidden LOL) so he could proceed with whacking me. Mmmmm... After some warm up and 24 strokes I was sent down to retrieve the shoelace.

Panties-less *sulk*

So of course everyone wanted to see my bottom. Surprise, surprise – it was red! No idea why ;) In the desperate attempt of revenge I decided to make some knots on that shoelace. Oh bugger, it snapped half, and I was left with two mini-shoelaces to be presented to him.

Everyone thought it was hilarious, but my face was more sort of 'of, fuck...why does it always had to be me' kind of expression. More whacking followed, this time with not-so-nice-strap, while HH hold my feet. What a joy, at the end I was left crying and whole world seemed to be back as it should (I have been pretty down recently and a way to let those emotions out was much desired). So I sobbed and cried a little until I felt better.

Later on, pretty much as soon, as my bum cooled down I felt very neglected and I think I made a mistake of vocalising how much neglected my bum felt. So, soon I found myself bent over and held down while Jessica picked up a wooden paddle.

I remember her saying something that that paddle is three times as big as me LOL Well, the paddle was just a proper paddle it's my bum that's ridiculously small. Anyway, the paddling started, perfectly lied, equally on both cheeks :). And oh God, it burnt.

I remember my mind screaming after six 'Please, don't stop, more! More! Of course I would have never said that, I still haven't mastered that sick ability to ask for more but thanks God I didn't need to that time. They wanted to give me 12 anyway. Somewhere around 8th swat I started losing contact with reality. After 11th He lost hold of me and I felt my knees bending and my body falling down. He helped me up and hold me again, for the last one. The last one that to my surprise still took place! :)

And I was again crying and felt that all the needs I had at time – to be whacked – were so nicely cared for.

Later on HH picked up the same paddle. I had another five, far lower and much harder, but only five and over trousers. Still, another joy to the collection. Add to it the fact that I perfectly knew what HH was capable of doing with that paddle and you might almost feel sorry for me ;)

Barely an hour later or so I said or did something and Abel pulled me over his knee pulling my pants down on the way. I received the hardest ever smacks I could think of. And they hurt like heel, after few or so I wriggled out onto the floor absolutely unable to take any more.

Just a hand spanking, eh?

But after a minute or so afterwards my bum started to feel nice though, the way it used to be sore at the very beginning of my playing, where the soreness was ever present. I was so delighted by the feeling that before I managed to think it through I said something along the line of 'I love it! Do it again!' Needless to say Abel didn't need any encouragement so I got spanked again.

And again, I loved it :)

Did I have enough? Nope, not by a long shot.

Later on I found myself over Abel's knees again, but felt the need for more, so I suggested he should take me upstairs. (Note to myself, never, ever say that to any top.) So he did, and far-from-cute and horrible scene followed, lots of cane strokes and tears.

And when I mean tears, this time I really mean tears. I was crying like baby, curling in his arms, shaking and fighting for breath. And I felt so safe and cared for (but I think I need to make a separate post about that scene ;) ).

I ended up utterly knackered for the rest of the evening. But finally satisfied! :) Though too sore to play later on with HH, unfortunately, which we planned for the last week, but I'm not too depressed, he will have me in his hands next weekend :)

Knackered

2009-06-18T19:20:00.002+01:00

Oh, I'm so seriosuly dead. Ever since one particular caning on Tuesday. I keep yawning, my whole body hurts. I really need to rest. Which is somewhat difficult if I need to get up every day at 7 to go to work. I crawl to bed yesterday before 10, and I think I need to do it again today. *yawns*

Seriosuly, it was *just* caning, though I'm not sure whether 'just' applies in that case ;).

Oh, it was bloody damn worth :) (as almost each time ;) ) But I'm so aching all over. Is my bum sore? Er...Yes, a bit, but nowhere near as much as my muscles at the front of my thighs. And I swear cane hasn't touched my legs.

And I'm pretty sure too that nothing has happened to me afterwards or during the night. I know, night is a good time to abuse a non-expecting girl, but I was so tired that I coudln't actually fall asleep on Tuesday's night, so yes, I'm quite sure no one tormented me at that time.

Anyway, I really need to rest. So excuse the silence for few more days *yawns*

Missed adventure

2009-06-13T23:50:00.002+01:00

You know, I really hate losing chances for adventures. I'm all for adrenaline, exploration and experimentation. There is of course strict list of things I don't want to try, and the list of things I can try under certain conditions or only with certain people. But generally I'm very open for new things. Doesn't hurt to try, and even if I won't like there is always one more 'first' I tried. And I have huge thing for 'firsts' :).

Sometimes there are just those things I really, really want to try but can't. Just can't.

Like that situation in a pub few weeks ago. I was there with Abel and a lovely, kinky girl I'm probably not supposed to mention by name. I just met her an hour before or so (actually she got me into trouble by being late, but that's another story - this time abused 'because' of the stranger, not 'by' ;) ).

I don't remember how the conversation went towards the subject of spanking (apart from the fact it was constantly somewhere there LOL) but at some point I made a claim Abel wouldn't dare to spank me there, in a Indian restaurant. Wrong thing to say to a top?

Well, maybe, but I still remember the situation when HH decided to molest Emma in a park, and the first person that 'freaked out' because it was public was Abel. Somehow I missed the next episode of Emma's molestation when he was the one who pulled her top up. Oh bugger.

Still, I didn't believed he would dare to spank me in that restaurant, with at least 30 people both, staff and guests. He told me to get up and bend over the table so he could prove he could spank me there. I, of course, chickened out but still only half believing he would do it. (Seriously, in a restaurant??)

Few minutes later he moved to my side of the table and tried to pull me over his knee, I resisted, but it's not like he tried hard ;). He knew my 'never in public' obsession and respected it.

HH once smacked me in a car outside of the pub (with my trousers and panties down!) and I never had any nice or even remotely hot memories about it. I'm just sort of a person that doesn't (didn't?) find public staff exciting.

There was another situation when Stephen Lewis (the 'evil' top known from Northern Spanking and Bars and Stripes) had an idea of smacking me on the train station in Birmingham. But since I absolutely refused to cooperate and be dragged to the bench he gave up. He is (or at least was) as little interested in public stuff as me. Good for me anyway, as I would probably die there and then from shame.

Anyway, people change, right?
So, when Abel sat next to me and tried to pull me over his knee I suddenly though that it would be damn hot. But I was also so terribly mortified by it I wasn't very cooperative. I know that if he pulled harder I would eventually comply. It's not probably really about the strength as about strictness. Maybe he *could* do that, but not to me. He didn't want to violate my limits, ones that used to be hard ones.

Still even the spanking that wasn't left me blushing and thoroughly embarrassed for the rest of the time in that restaurant. Later on I relaxed during awfully long, non-public caning (but that's yet another story ;) ) Well, then, I'm not there yet, but there is definitely part of me that find the idea of being spanked in a public hot.

Sugasm #167

2009-06-13T15:31:00.001+01:00

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #168? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks
Every Time You Orgasm, An Angel Gets Its Wings
“There is nothing that screams “fuck you” to the pain and the hurt in the world than screaming “fuck me” to the person in your bed.”

HNT: Spanked
“I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. But tonight, I was sure.”

A Thousand Kisses
“This wasn’t enough. I knew that I had to try something else.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Congratulations, you’re invited!

Sugasm Editor
Sex Work And Honesty: Religion

Editor’s Choice
Food, fun and commitment

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

How the hell did they know?

2009-06-12T20:20:00.006+01:00

See that thing on the right? Found it through Domestic Discipline Dreams and well, you can see what came out of it. Close...
Can undestand why pathetic LOL. I just can't get the part about frog LOL
And why *just* $2600? ;)
Still, that site somehow knew I'm kinky, I'm sure of it! LOL

(Btw - I tried to post the pic as a post but it didn't work :/

Feeling submissive

2009-06-10T08:56:00.007+01:00

Yes, it does happen sometimes. Actually I have felt it recently more often. Especially during one weekend, after I went down with an infection and ended up taking antibiotics. I suppose my state might, just might, explain sudden changes in my preferences ;)

Nevertheless I was in a mood to do a scene when I could be a bit subbie.

Well, I should probably explain that the only form of submissive behaviour I can play with is when it's a forced submission, or coerced. And HH generously agreed to indulge my need for being coerced into submission.

Her name was Mandy, and her story is pretty long, as the girl by now survived probably more than a dozen roleplays spread over the period of the last five months or so. And I know her probably more than I know myself.

Her life is really very simple. Every now and then her uncle sends her to a special Institute where she can be trained to be obedient. And she does her best to actually obey. But she is just bound to fail sometimes. It's her fate to be punished no matter how hard she tries to be good.

Sometimes she is punished just because her uncle sent her there and that's what her Trainer is suppose to do with her. Needless to say she has no warm feelings for her uncle. All he can do is get rid of a problem instead of solving it himself.

You would say her life is sad, but she doesn't perceive it as such. She developed certain appreciation toward her Trainer. She considers his attention as the sign that he is the only person in the world that care about her. Even if that care is so painful. Even if it squeezes tears out of her eyes and makes her tremble so often.

Each time she admits she deserves to be punished she really thinks it. Each time she admits she deserve that punishment to be hard she truly accepts it and there is no defiance in her. Each time she is punished she tries to be brave, she tries to hold still if he requires that.

Part of her finds peace in knowing her performance is satisfactory. She likes hearing she was a good girl or seeing a half-smile on his face. Probably she even like coming to the Institute, because she knows its the only place where she gets any kind of attention.

Last time the Institute had a visitor who wanted to evaluate Institute's performance and efficiency. Mandy was chosen and soon she found herself dressed neatly in a nicely ironed uniform waiting for the man. She was told that if she won't behave up to the standards she will be severely punished later on. But there was no needs for that thread, Mandy just *wanted* her behaviour to be exemplary. She wanted to do a good job and be called a good girl.

She tried hard to show all the self control she was taught to exert while being punished. She was determinate to keep still no matter what. Each time she heard him saying 'Mandy!' in that strict, demanding tone of his she knew she was warned and needed to try harder. She wanted nothing else but to please him. And to please her Trainer if the visitor would speak highly about her later.

She couldn't stop her tears, but that's ok, girls are allowed to cry there. Her whole body was shaking half due to her muscle being tensed in attempts control herself, half from pain.

Few time she failed to do as instructed, her hands would cover her bum or her feet would get into the way. She felt bad about that, and crying begged the visitor to give her another chance. If she moved while having her legs smacked, he would cane her there. If she would make a mess about having her thighs caned, he would probably do it harder.

When he moved to whip her breast everything got worse. She couldn't take it and her hands were constantly getting into the way. He warned her and show how displeased with her he was. She broke into tears apologising saying she just couldn't, that it was too much.

That wasn't a valid excuse there and while prompted she admitted she didn't have enough self-control. It hurt her to admit her own defeat, but there was nothing else she could do. She was informed that she had some potential, and that she tried hard, but the matter of lack of self-control need to be dealt with. And that the further training was in order.

The visitor told her that her Trainer will hear about all of that and Mandy knew that before her further training would commence she would be punished for not behaving as trained And she knew she deserved it, she was genuinely sad about not living up to his standards. Honestly...

Embarrassed

2009-06-07T21:17:00.005+01:00

Yes, again. This time I embarrassed myself...
Just after I post yesterday's post I realised what I have done. I know I hinted before about being into rape play, but I have never actually described one, and here I go, yesterday, I posted about anal rape. *sigh* I know, I'm absolutely not subtle or gentle. Guilty as charged ;).

Honestly, I don't know why I posted it. I know I already scared off long time ago all those people who hoped for some playfull, otk stuff. But the point is that the last post scared even me off LOL. It's not like I wasn't going in that direction (dark, scary roleplay etc.) from the beginning anyway, I just hoped I can do it in a more subtle way.

So, how about whole month of vanilla stuff? No? Not interested. Don't worry, I couldn't probably bring myself to write about vanilla stuff for the whole month ;) But I can honestly promise one thing, no post about rape play...for a week or so ;)

Kami (embarrassed of how sick and tactless she is)

PS. Oh, and have a nice pic of me too :)

Please, don't book me ever again...

2009-06-06T18:07:00.001+01:00

So, as you might know Charlotte was made to see the same client again. And that he booked her when he knew she the conventional sex was out of bounds. That was enough for Charlotte to realise she was in big trouble.

She went to see him shaking all over. She walked into the hotel, looked for a room and knocked hoping no one was there. Hearing his voice though sealed her fate. He was there, waiting, prepared to do all he planned and prepared for her, and more.

He was abusive. Very abusive.
Charlotte was crying before he actually managed to hurt her.
He took a lot of pleasure in promising her all the horrible things he was about to do to her.

At some point he pushed her toward the wall and pushed his knee between her legs. His hands were all over her body toying with her. And the threads whispered ever so quietly, the promises of the punishment and the caning he was so eager to inflict upon her. Of the abuse she would have to suffer. Of all the things he was about to do her now he didn't have a chance to do the first time they met.

She was now about to get all that and more.

All the threads mixed with verbal abuse and his body overpowering her made her feel so vulnerable. She felt her body being violated, somehow, through all the layers of clothes His fingers, gripping her hair and pulling occasionally reinforced the message.

She was his plaything for the time being. And he was allowed to take all he wanted.
He pushed her on bed and the abuse continued, with his hands touching and squeezing every inch of her body. And more promises of what he would do to her followed.

Suddenly he pulled her up and strip her violently. Deprived of all her clothes and the remains of dignity she felt even more vulnerable. To humiliate her even further he dragged her in front of the window and made her stand there with her hands on her head. No one would probably see her but Charlotte will never forget observing half consciously the office building in front. Tears pouring down her face.

And then the time for promised caning came. He made her bend over with her hands on the bed and applied six strokes. Not much but in that state girl didn't need more to be pushed further into the despair.

Some disobedience later on earned her another 6 strokes. And the cane look quite nasty too (though he managed to break it on my bum few days later, so perhaps it was as nasty as it looked ;) )

When the girl seemed to be chastised and broken enough he pushed her on bed again, this time face down. She could hear him unzipping his trousers and putting on condom. Soon she felt lube around her anus too.

All she could do at that moment was lie still and sob. There was no point in trying to fight anything, so she just accepted her fate. But nothing could prepare her for the pain. It came second after he entered her and she screamed pulling away. For few seconds she absolutely refused to cooperate, with pain being the only thing she could feel. More tears poured down her face mixing with her make-up and sinking into the duvet.

Once the worst pain was over he made an attempt to fuck her again. But she was tight, very tight, so soon he gave up, half feeling sorry for her half just leaving it for the next time he will buy her services.

While Charlotte was still lying on bed and sobbing he ask her whether there is something she wished to tell him. Perhaps he expected something like 'I'm sorry' or similar but the girl was just broken and unable to think clearly. All she managed to say was 'Please, don't book me ever again'. Needless to say he didn't like that...

Which way around?

2009-06-02T20:31:00.002+01:00

While Charlotte is try to deal with her trauma (and I'm not of course going to rush the poor little creature ;) ) I have a question....mostly to girls I suppose.

When (if) you get whipped between your legs how you prefer it? Back-front with tips landing just above the labia towards the navel? Or front-back with tips covering labia landing sort of exactly between your legs on all the various pieces of sensitive skin there?

I know the question is kind of intimate and all that, so I don't expect people jumping all over each other to answer it but please, indulge me ;). I'm seriosuly curious as recently I have learnt that my preferences are not what most of the girls prefers. So I'm just curious to find out whether I'm really that weird LOL

Oh, and if you are a guy who whipped a girl between her legs and know her preferance feel free to share it too ;)

Anonymous answer accepted LOL

Kami (clearly past the stage that any subject might be too embarrassing to write about ;) )

Mmmmmmmm....

2009-05-31T20:54:00.000+01:00

There is that girl Charlotte forced to be whore.

Was she kidnapped? Or maybe smuggled through the boarder? Or just deep in debts she desperately needs to pay back?

Does it matter?

She once had a customer she refused to please. He was a pervert, and what he demanded from her too much. She was embarrassed and scared. So she refused.

Her pimp was less than impressed.

Next thing she remembers was being send to a Specialist for a punishment. She was defiant and rebellious at first, but as all the girls she finally broke. In tears, trembling she apologised for turning down her client and accepted her punishment.

Tomorrow she is about to meet the same client again. With no payment whatsoever she will be there to please him as she should earlier. The client asked for her on that specific day knowing she will be indisposed, and therefore would have to refuse to offer her services again. So he will punish her.

Will he then report back her behaviour? Will she be send to see the Specialist again? Will that chain of unfair and unpleasant adventures ever end?

(I'm so, so much asexual, yet, I so, so much love playing whores – go figure ;) )

Let's talk about sex

2009-05-28T19:36:00.002+01:00

No, not about *having* sex. And no, nothing have changed. I'm still not interested in sex (for pleasure). To be honest I *never* even tried to have sex for pleasure. Seriously. I'm not even interested in trying. Yes, I know it's a mental disorder. Whatever ;)

I mean seriously, I'm incapable of having orgasm without pain. So how the hell can I enjoy normal vanilla sex then? Of course I would get aroused to some extend, and enjoy myself on some purely physical level. But then what? I know I wouldn't be able to go over the edge no matter how hard I/he/us might try. And there would nothing to feed my mind.

So, I'm perfectly happy to play with rape scenes, sexual abuse, punishments fuckings instead. It's all so much more...er..inspiring?

But due to my lack of interest in sex I find myself extremely delayed in 'sexual education'. Want an example? I had no idea about clit having its 'function' until I was around 17. When I had my first orgasm I didn't really know it was it. I never held or touched a cock. And I could go on like that for a while, but in case you are laughing too hard already I will stop to spare you a problem of running out of air ;)

Anyway, as you see my experience and knowledge was and is (though not as much) limited. Which again, doesn't really bother me. I know more about headspace than most people will ever learn ;).

So I suppose the title of the post should be 'let's talk about rape scene'. I'm aware that maybe not everyone reading that blog is comfortable about going into such details and topics but I have been wondering around a subject long enough.

So here it goes...

I have been talking with a friend about possible rape scene for quite a while. (Let's call him Kevin, so I will avoid those weird 'hes' and 'hims'.) First he thought I'm too new in that whole CP and BDSM world and it wouldn't be fair if he did that to me. Perhaps, but he was certainly true about one thing, none of us knew how I would react. As I could feel our relationship developing I was thinking more and more about actually doing it. And then suddenly I decided it's too disgusting for me (sorry guys, no offence).

Any body fluids exchange is off limits for me. Even kissing. When I see string of saliva between two mouths on a movie my stomach makes a somersault. When I see oral sex (doesn't matter which way) on a movie my stomach keeps making somersaults for an hour or so. Even being touched there, between my legs used to make me uneasy. When Kevin did it for the first time, so very,very briefly I had a serious battle with my conscience.

I mean, I didn't ask him to touch me there, right? It was *his* decision to touch *my* 'body fluids' not mine. Still took me a while to actually work my way around it.

But then, through all that disgust I craved feeling of being raped. I wanted to know how I would react to that. Would it be powerful? Would hurt the way I want it? Would make me feel so vulnerable and as a toy, nicely played with? Would I cry?

At that time I was still sort of a virgin, I mean, there was no hymen there, but I also haven't been fucked by a cock before. (Yes, I know, sad losing hymen not during proper sex). So, in a way my first rape scene was also my 'first time'. No, it wasn't anything mindblowing as I'm sure every girl would like to be her first one.

It didn't hurt, there was no tears, no much fear either. I was so unmoved by it that it actually was very frustrating to finally do it and feel so little emotionally. I remember feeling Kevin's cock moving in and out and thinking 'So, is that really it? Is that what people make so much fuss about? That's the reason so many couples break up? Is it really something that someone might like?' I so much wanted to be just spanked instead. Seriously, it was as empty as it could get.

Empty, until around a week later when it all sunk in. Then it all struck me. The sense of guilt, the confusion, the utter and uncontrollable desire to be used like that again, craving for it to be more violent and more painful. I needed to understand it. And there was a lot of whys to be answered.

I still don't like it. I mean the penetration itself. But I like being the girl that's used and abused. I like feeling like a whore. I like the mental state I'm in when it's happening. And the tears I can sometimes feel on my face.

As I said earlier there are different names for our 'game'.

There is a sexual abuse which happens in prison and other reformatory establishments where a guard abuses his power. It's much more of a coercion really, because the girls knows she needs to comply if she want to avoid other, unpleasant and painful punishment.

There is the punishment fucking which seems for some weird reason to be extremely powerful for me. It hurts but there is no unnecessary violence, and the girl often cries. I don't really know the reason for tears either. It might have something to do with humiliation or just a sign of resignation. I'm not sure yet.

And there is a proper rape scene, which in my opinion happens only when the girl has been kidnapped or attacked. It's violent, brutal and hurt. Never had a pleasure to try that. Still on my list, along with a long scene full of misery, fear and abuse.

And I'm sure there is much more I will in time learn to differentiate. We don't get a chance to see each other often, Kevin and me, but each time I learn so much about what my sexuality is really all about. If of course anyone might want to call *that* a sexuality LOL

Four hands + two bums

2009-05-26T20:00:00.004+01:00

Thank you everyone for comments and so much welcomed hugs. Looks like your support combined with the whole whining and complaining helped me get over the worst part of subdrop. I'm perfectly kinky again, with a lot of fantasies of abuse and misery invading my mind. And with hot and intense memories...

Some people are just born brats as I learnt recently. Emma Jane is a perfect example of that. Meeting and being with her means being in constant trouble. And that, as you know means red, sore and bruised bum for a girl. All-The-Time! ;) Still it was so, so much fun. Even if she tried to put the blame on me after each her mischief!

Not to mention that she is such an open and easy-going person that there was no way I could feel shy around her! After whole afternoon of getting into trouble and being punished for that none of us managed to learn her lesson yet ;). Though I started getting really sore so was quite willing to at least *try* to behave when we went out for a meal. But I failed miserably (because of her, of course ;) ).

So afterwards we were both sent to the Headmaster to be punished for our 'disgraceful' behaviour. Really, we were just having FUN! So it was as always absolutely unfair.

Anyway, as instructed two unhappy girls reported to the Headmaster's study (well, it was actually a bedroom, but no, Headmaster was not a pervert that time ;) ). From the very beginning Emma was very sorry for her behaviour and apologised nicely while I still insisted it was all unfair. It took just a hand strapping to break my defences though.

Well, it wasn't actually 'just' a hand strapping. I had traumatising experience barely week before that with a heavy strap and only single contact with my palm. When the Headmaster told me to hold out my hand all I could do was take few steps back and shake my head. No way, I was going to suffer that pain again. I could see that the strap he was holding was much lighter but still, trauma is trauma. It took me probably a minute or so and all my free will to hold my hand out finally.

God, and what a relief, it didn't hurt nowhere near as badly. Still hurt of course but it was bearable. I got four strokes, each one harder than the previous one but nothing as horrifying as I feared. Though I was told I looked pretty traumatised all the way through.

Emma got six, and poor little thing was sobbing at the end which hurt me more than my own punishment. And I bet they were harder than mine, after the fifth one I was so close to beg the Headmaster to spare her the last one. Apparently, even with tears she didn't look as traumatised as I – go figure ;)

Later we were told to lie flat on the bed with pillow under our hips and the same strap was used on our bums. This time Head master started with Emma giving her six before moving to deal with me. It is so awfully scary and intense observing Emma being strapped in that scene. She was just lying limp, ouching after each stroke and sobbing at the end. (I do ask myself a question how the hell she was able to lie still – sick girl! ;) )

When the Headmaster moved to deal with me I knew I won't be so good at taking it. First stroke made me jump and clutch my bum. It's when Headmaster informed us that if any of us cover her bottom with hands or feet he will apply additional strokes to the second girl. Well, at least I was allowed to squirm, otherwise poor Emma would get much more. I don't really remember how I managed to keep my hands and feet of my bum but I did.

Then each of us got two more sets of six strokes and the situation repeated itself. Emma was perfectly good at keeping still, sobbing at the end while I was squirming and flinching after each stroke and struggling to get back into position. But there was no tears from me, I think I was too tired and scared for them.

It is such a bonding experience for two girls being punished like that. Knowing that if you make too much fuss you will get your friend into more trouble. We both admitted at the end that it would have been much more easier for us to take all the strokes instead of watching each other suffering. Seriously, I don't know how tops deal with that but seeing a girl in such distress just breaks my heart LOL.

Anyway, that scene ultimately made my bum too sore to play any more while Emma was still bratting and 'demanding' more abuse – sick, insatiable girl!

(*just found out Emma Jane posted her recollection of the scene here)

Half-real-stuff and my lack of 'adapation'

2009-05-24T21:52:00.005+01:00

I had a wonderful two weekends, this one and the one before. And absolutely fucked up week in between – ill and in bed. But it's ok, I made up for it during those two weekends :)

There was a lot of fun, even more abuse, spankings and traumatic experiences :). And I met a lot of lovely kinky people that treated me just *horribly* (more about it later). The effect? I'm feeling extremely subdroppy now, again...

So, I could just shut up and wait for the subdrop to be over and my good mood to be back. Or I could write about what is on my mind right now. Which won't be all that happy and hot as my usual rambling. In case you are not in a mood for serious and a bit sad post – you have been warned...

Sadness coming out of subdrop reminded me of the situation that happened twice recently, purely out of some *innocent* mischief.

I throw, that thing you put below the hot mug to protect the table at Abel. I have terrible aim, believe me, I assumed I will miss completely, but I didn't. The thing hit him in the centre of his forehead. No permanent damage done, but enough to earn a girl a punishment.

You know, I'm really, really a roleplayer, and I'm absolutely horrible with real-life stuff. It didn't seem to be that bad at the beginning, after all it was just a silly thing I did, but his face and voice were so serious and strict it made me feel bad straight away.

It's not a spanking that's a problem obviously, it's how my mind translates it. I don't care whether the punishment would be a playful spanking over trousers or a tears squeezing caning. It's just the fact. Makes me all guilty and sad. Before Abel started I *needed* him to actually assure me his forehead was ok. It was, so part of the guilty was gone as I felt strong enough not to make a mess about the real-life punishment.

Yet, I knew it would end badly. With each smack I was feeling more and more sad. The spanking was not that hard, but with my bum after long afternoon of playing already bruised and sore it all hurt more. There was no catharsis present, no feeling that I'm being punished and it will be soon forgiven. There was just guilt and sadness. And the pain, that while the spanking lasted stopped me from crying. When he finished and I was allowed to get up my legs failed me and I collapsed on the floor. And then the tears came. I was feeling much more guilty than before he started spanking me – not the way it should work.

We had a conversation the other day about tears (inspired by Eliane's post) so Abel knew that if pushed to the right place I do cry and those are good tears. But obviously that time I wasn't pushed to the right place and I wasn't ok either. So there was no point in lying when he asked so I admitted to all those thought and the increasing sense of guilty. And I cried, and he held me in his arms, and talked to me calmly. Explained that the spanking was not supposed to make me feel worse but better. That I was punished and forgiven. That he wasn't angry at me. I knew all that but listening to it in tears and in trusted arms somehow helped. Slowly I calmed down, sadness fading.

But that damn sense of guilty was still there. Finally I asked him to spank me more, I hoped that more pain would help me to calm down completely. And he did, hard, when he stopped in the middle I just said one word – 'longer'. So there was more spanking, and even harder. I could feel that sense of guilty being washed away.

Second situation happened few weeks before that, after I put cold, wet hands on HH's neck and paraphrased Pandora's 'but it's only a bit of water' (from Only a bit of water, only a bit of wood © Northern Spanking).

No, it didn't earn me 'a bit of wood' in the form of cane – just a long and hard wet spanking. It felt nice, the spanking. I needed it to hurt and it did, exactly as my sick mind craved. But then, at the end HH said something like 'I hope it taught you a lesson' which just broke me. I fell into real hysteria, I was crying so heavily I couldn't talk. I was shaking all over feeling just so, so bad. Why? Because suddenly, because of that one sentence it all felt so real, I got the impression that he is angry at me, and hates me, and doesn't want to see me ever again. Everything because my one stupid idea of putting my cold, wet hands on his neck. I know, it's silly, but that's how my mind translated it. It took me a while to calm down and realise it's not true.

But I'm just so hopeless with real-life punishments. I can't even separate them from playful spankings sometimes. We talked a lot about it and reassured each other that we were ok. But the point is I wasn't that much ok. I do not want to behave like some misfit just because some half-playful spanking brings the implications of the end of the world. Especially that I do brat a lot sometimes and such spankings are pretty much unavoidable. I don't say I need to like that, just not crying and laughing about it afterwards would be enough.

I think that those situations pushed me into the right direction to learn how to cope with it and have more 'fun' with half-real-life stuff but we will see whether it's a long-term knowledge or not.
(Oh, and guys if those situations made you uncomfortable you do know, I'm really sorry about it!)

Relaxation

2009-05-22T22:06:00.005+01:00

I got myself recently obsessed with relaxation techniques. I will spare you details of why and other boring stuff ;)

At certain point I started reading about imaginery.

...imagery is to imagine a scene, place or event that you remember as safe, peaceful, restful, beautiful and happy. You can bring all your senses into the image with, for example, sounds of running water and birds, the smell of cut grass, the taste of cool white wine, the warmth of the sun, and so on. Use the imagined place as a retreat from stress and pressure.

So I started to look in my mind for a situation that would be safe, peaceful, restful and happy.

First I though about me lying on bed, with my bum all hot and smarting from the paddling with the wooden paddle. 13 strokes that pushed me quite nicely, fairly firm, though probably not very hard. Yet, still so memorable. Felt so good, I was safe and completely enveloped by the feeling of being cared for. The pain and smarting spreading slowly letting me savour the feeling much longer than any other thrashing before that gave me.

Second, my thoughts drifted off to another memory of my bum all hot from one of the hardest hand spanking I received. I felt so calm and fulfilled after a few minutes of real fight for survival. It will never cease to amaze me how relaxing those moments are. First that huge contradiction of not being able to keep still and wriggling so hard yet not wanting to actually wriggle *out*. Then the wave of warm and safety filling each part of my body.

Then I though about last five minutes of the suffering caused by small amount of tabasco between my legs. When the worst agony subsides and I'm left with great satisfaction of surviving it. I was even told I *look* relaxed at those moments. And yes, I can't actually think of the state when I could be more relaxed.

Funny thing, I can't think of any situation full of relaxation, safety and fulfilment that is not related to kinky play. There were of course many of wonderful moments worth remembering and cherishing but nothing that just goes so deep into your body taking stress and all worries straight away from you. Each and every muscle relaxing...

Yes, I know sick and insatiable ;)

Using other people's idea...

2009-05-20T17:50:00.005+01:00

Yes, that means I won't be very original this time LOL. But it's not because I don't want to, I do, seriously ;) I have just been dying to show you some of the most entertaining key searches for a long time. Looks like today is the day ;)

"naked dead girl" - Yeah, and how much fun you can have with *that* ;)

bdsm/spanking with stinging nettle/ - no, not really, spanking with nettles isn't going to have much effect, would advice you keep the panties on and stick some nettle leaves under theme, if she is still not threatening to kill you you can make her sit.

fade stripe spank - Oh my god, fade stripe that's bad, definitely you have to spank again!

fetch the cane - I would love to, but I don't actually possess one... (sad, but true ;) )

kami robertson spanked - yep, can promise you that, it *does* happen ;)

kink girl - just kink, not kinky?

kinky sexual activities - sorry folk, not on that blog

nasty mature kami - um...well...it is not a compliment, right? LOL

kami spanks - no, not yet, but I will be there one day.

hot kinky girl - Oh, no! Doesn't happen, kinky girls are NOT hot. Never. Never. ;)

caning punishment - seriously, and what if I would like to enjoy that caning? Hmm? But no, it's a punishment, I'm not allowed to enjoy myself LOL Damn, hard life!

"my master" bdsm punishment photo -video -porn -join - no, I wouldn't like my bdsm punishment photo to be called porn LOL

a caned bum - would you like some evidence?

arab caning - you mean a special style? An Arab caned? Or the caner to be an Arab? Do you care about the sex? Age? Position? Place? Nope? Right, just one arab caning please.

blindfold spanking - might be difficult to keep a good aim if you will blindfold the top...just a thought feel free to prove I'm wrong ;)

blog spanking caning strapping over the knee welts free videos clips - So much for free? Um, I'm not so sure you can get all that LOL

bottom caning - yes, it's indeed a very good place to cane

boy spanked otk - Happy boy, isn't he? :)

caning fantasy - yes, I definitely have few of those :)

gagged protester - haven't been one yet, should I put it one the list of 'kinky things to do?"

im flying high so i can move it away - damn, something tells me that the description of headspace he found here was not what he were looking for, sorry! ;)

caning naked people - yes, I'm sure that caning people when they wear clothes is not sufficiently satisfying :P

kinky knickers – Oh! I so much want one! :)

kinky with capsaicin – no kinkiness without capsaicin? LOL

lupus figging – Dear Lupus, someone seems not to notice the caning you usually deliver to all those perverts around the world. Marks, blood, tears and suffering somehow become less important than figging. If I was in your shoes I would investigate the problem further, although...

nasty little girls punished – Sorry! No nasty girls around! Only the nice, innocent and sweet present :)

sentenced to be figged – Where I sigh up to take her place? Will it be public? Nope? Not public? No viewers? Sorry, not interested then.

pure & kinky with girl school – Like WHAT? LOL

pull panties down – Yes, I do that pretty often ;) But it's much more fun if someone pulls them down for me before the spanking.

"nasty spank juice" – no, we do not spank juices here LOL

domestic disapline spanked me hard – LOL, I didn't know disa(i)pline can spank. Where I can sign up to test the effectiveness?

her naked body tied – Of course naked! Who would want to tie clothed body??

kami robertson free – Nope, sorry to disappoint you, that girl only gets sold, she doesn't like being handed for free.

kami robertson nude – Oh you pervert! Nude? Nude? I assure you, everything is in the proper place! You don't have to check LOL

And the last one, not exactly a key search, just a fact:
Almost 15% of key searches consists of the word 'nettles'. Isn't it just great? LOL I'm glad they all end up on my blog, though it clearly shows that nettles are somewhat under-appreciated, wouldn't you agree? ;)

Another personality...

2009-05-13T18:01:00.004+01:00

...for the collection.

That's HH's newest idea (Btw - the old, sick pervert almost started his blog. Almost because it's somewhat empty for now. I will do my best to make him start it properly, after all, which girl wouldn't like more valuable - written spanking porn out there? ;) )

She is the daughter of a minor aristocrat at the time of the French Revolution. Her father has been arrested and she is trying to get to safety. Well-meaning friends spirit her from town to town, heading for the border. She sleeps in unlikely places: a barn, a kennel, hole in the floor. One night she is housed in the local brothel. But unfortunately the police choose that night for a raid, and she is caught up along with the prostitutes. They are tried together: no-one asks them for a defense. And she couldn't admit her real identity anyway. "Two weeks and a whipping": that is the standard sentence, and it is what they all get.

So here she is: in the House of Detention, convicted as a common whore. No rights. No defences. Completely in the Warden's power...

Something tells me that the Warden will be much more of a sadist than one might expect. He could of course just use her sexaully, but hey, those are whores locked up there. There are other ways to make those girls, and expecially Mariette, so, so uncomfortable.

Hope you feel sorry for the poor girl!

Sugasm #164

2009-05-12T19:14:00.001+01:00

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #165? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form.

This Week’s Picks

Confessional: Breaking the Girl
“And that’s why I’ll love it, that’s what will fuel me to dig deeper.”

Does Art imitate Life or Life Art?
“We were experimental and conventional and some times both in the same round of sex. ”

It burns…
“And this is no sweet kissing”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
A Porn Customer Protests

Sugasm Editor
Fetish Fridays: Teabagging

Editor’s Choice
Light Me Up Right

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

Spanked...

2009-05-10T00:06:00.004+01:00

Yes, I know, hardly anything new ;). And not entirely true either as I haven't been spanked for almost two weeks ;). But I thought it's time for some more light-hearted post, it has been too grave-like recently. I'm sure you would agree.

So here I am – spanked, Well, Ok, I'm not, but I wish I was. Does it count? ;)

You see, the point is I'm becoming more and more of a spanko nowadays. (Apart from those fantasies about complete and utter misery of course) From the beginning until very recently it was always more about the mind set I was in when I was playing than about the actual activity performed. I wanted certain emotions, have certain feelings and have my mind pushed in certain direction. And of course have particular responses elicited that the top could thrive upon. Means to achieve all those were somehow not important. Or rather very little important.

It's not like that all the time any more. Right now, and I mean now, I just need to be spanked (by an emperienced top of course ;) ). I don't care why, whether it's a roleplay or not, I just crave it so, so much on a purely physical level.

(My bum after the very first spanking!)

It started few weeks ago after the shoot, when my bum wasn't in play-able state (and later when I decided it was safer to let my skin rest even if unbruised). But I still played a lot, just not with my bum. Probably any (safe) part of my body good abused and whipped. Probably more than once too. I experimented some more with bondage (on camera this time!), played with nettles, tabasco... And more.

But no spanking, for a month. Not a huge period of time, but all that BDSM-like play must have made all that worse.

Couple of weeks ago I was lucky to be able to indulge myself in a 'massive dose on the most needed remedy'. I even emailed HH before and admitted to those so *uncontrollable* desires. What a coincidence, he had desires to spank me too (what an *unusual* thing for top LOL). Oh, and there was loads of spanking. And more. Each time was harder and longer. And I could wriggle and yelp all I wanted. And I loved it so much.

(Don't you thing those case lines are cool as for the first caning? :) )

Afterwards, while getting my post-play hugs I could feel the soreness, my bum was so hot. It was such a haven and of course so relaxing. It seemed I couldn't get enough of that feeling. And I have to say there were some very heavy smacking involved, the hardest of my life.

I even remember demanding on Monday morning more playing and more beating, HH finished with strap leaving me absolutely sore and bruised, especially on the crease. But I still didn't have enough, when I got home and examined my bum (my crease on the right side bit swollen with purple bruise by that time) I wanted it all over again.

(Not so cool, and not so flattering - 2 days, I think, after my first spanking)

Within week I'm going to be lucky again. Yes, there will be loads of spankings. I might even regret saying so openly I crave to be spanked so hard and so much, but I will worry about that later. For now, I'm going to close my eyes and dream... :)

Yes, I know, I'm insatiable... ;)

I have been having that dream/fantasy recently.

2009-05-08T01:48:00.003+01:00

Multiple hands holding me down. Touching, abusing.
I'm absolutely mistreated, played with, raped.
An intense mind fuck.
I'm just used.
Perhaps tied down and strapped or caned somewhere in the middle.
Or maybe just hold down and beaten.

At some point they leave me there and go to have a drink or rest.
Leaving me crying and shaking on the floor.
Later they come back.
And more abuse.
And more beating.

I close my eyes and I can almost see it. I can almost feel tears on my face. And the coldness. And the pain.

I suppose I should be worried or concerned by having such fantasies. But somehow I'm not, it's so liberating. When I picture myself crying on the floor I feel relief, I'm so relaxed.

I don't really see faces of my tormentors I know they are my friends. I know I can trust them so its not really that I'm so terribly mistreated against my will. I find fulfilment in that misery.
And I feel secure and safe. There is no permanent damage taking place. Any cane stroke is accurately aimed, any torment is carefully considered. It's so wild, yet perfectly controlled

As I said it's not really worrying but I wouldn't mind knowing why I have those 'desires' to be so humiliated, deprived of dignity and used. Why I want them to hurt and humiliate me and see that sadistic half-smile on their face while I cry or scream.

It really does sounds like some traumatic events from the past make me need so sick things. But there is really no trauma in my childhood, I was never abused or anything. So, are people really just born *that* way?

I will probably never understand that, but lying on the floor, scared, in tears, shaking is the biggest relief I can think of. No responsibility. Such a relaxation. And a big loosening of tension both physically and mentally.

(Not that I'm actually about to put it into life, neither any top I play with would risk it, but hey, it's my mind, I can relive inside it whatever I want! :) )

Feeling subdroppy

2009-05-03T11:36:00.002+01:00

It is kind of weird as I never felt it straight after playing. No sadness on the train, no sleepless night just after. Usually journey on the train was quite cheerful, sitting on my sore bum and reliving all the nasty things that happened to me with a weird half-smile on my face.

I got used to the fact that subdrop usually comes something like 4 days after. It's like my body needs to rest physically first then it's time for my mind to literally crack down.

Sometimes though it's all very confusing. I remember last summer when I played with friend day before going off for holidays – the best mind fuck ever! I woke up in the middle of the night and didn't know where I was. Was it still a roleplay? Was I really chained to the bed? My wrist almost hurt from the dreamed cuffs pressing against my skin. But no, I was in my own bed, alone, yet my mind seemed to be still within the roleplay scenario. Next day I went to Spain with a vanilla friend and everything seemed to be normal until our third day there.

I was sort of absent and she finally asked me what the hell was wrong with me. It took me a while to realise that I was back in the roleplay, reliving it all over again and feeling sad. Miles away from the place where it happened and days after, still, nothing could cheat off the subdrop.

Needless to say I don't like, but usually, the better the scene the worse the subdrop. So unfair!

But it was really weird last time. As I said I never got it straight after play. Until last weekend. I spent whole time on the train half sleeping half crying. I was tired so I wanted to sleep, but the tears where still there, silently pouring down my cheeks. Every now and then I woke up to wipe them, I stared at the grey and rainy world behind the window for few minutes and went back to sleep. And to cry silently.

When I got on the train I went to the toilet, where suddenly something broke in me and tears where everywhere. At the beginning I thought I can calm down myself there so I tried. But after few minutes of sitting in the toilet I was still crying absolutely unable to control myself. So I went to find some seat.

It always makes me wonder what people seeing me might think. Unhappily in love? Boyfriend just broke up with her? Anyway, I bet no one would guess correctly anyway ;) What I'm just afraid sometimes is that someone will ask out of concern or something. That's the reason I never used to cry in a public, but ever since I started playing and acknowledged that there are good tears as well, I stopped being bothered.

Still, I do wonder whether anyone on the train noticed. There were at least 3 persons sitting next too me throughout the journey. But thank god, no one said anything.

I did get better though after those hours of crying. I still was said for the next 2 or 3 days but I think the worst part was over.

No answer

2009-05-01T22:48:00.006+01:00

Day: 30th April
Time: 4:02pm

Integrated Physiology and Metabolism Phase Test 2

Question number 2:
When you are stung by a nettle, rubbing the skin helps to dull the pain because?

Yyy...Like what? LOL If you heard someone laughing yesterday like mad it was probably me ;) After all how could I not laugh after reading the question like that on my exam? ;) You know what's the funniest thing in it? There is no correct answer, I don't care what theory of pain modulation says, when you are stung by nettles rubbing WON'T help ;)

Spanking might. For me it seems to be the most probable thing that would dull the pain – spank the stinging out. Do you think they would accept the answer? After all it's not like theoretical knowledge, it's scientifically proven..well ok...not scientifically, but definitely empirically ;)

Wild animal set free

2009-04-27T21:10:00.008+01:00

Sometimes, when you pay enough attention you can spot some interesting creatures sneaking across the river.

Abused by Stranger 2

2009-04-24T12:52:00.003+01:00

If being stripped and tied up to meet a stranger is scary then listen to that. It's double scary and double cool :)

HH sent me an email stating that there is someone he wants to introduce me to (or him to me, whatever ;) ) The only description of him I got was that he is in 'our zone'. And then the description of the scene followed. There was something about prison, and something about smuggling a SIM card, and about cavity search...and...well, I'm sure you got the point ;)

Scary, awfully sick but overally very exciting. Ok, more than awfully sick, but I have been way to curious to refuse that chance so I said yes :)

They kept me in the other room while they got changed into the uniforms. Soon I was handcuffed and thrown to the room where Mr. Stranger was waiting for me. HH and Niki were there too.

It's amazing how scared and confused I was. It didn't happen that long time ago, so I already was quite aware about my kink etc. but that situation was such so overwhelming. I didn't know what to do or what to say, actually I wished they would start beating me at least then I *would* new what to do LOL

When Mr. Stranger told me to strip I followed his instruction almost instantly. You see, usually I'm quite stubborn and very uncooperative, but since I was too scared to think I realised that doing what I'm told is a reasonable option ;) (HH told me later that he was surprised I obeyed without being forced to LOL But that's true, I much more prefer being stripped that take my clothes off willingly, so much more fun :) )

And then the interrogation begun – my first ever by the way! There wasn't much of an obscene humiliation, which is good as it's not my thing. There was just plenty of beating and rough treatment...mmmmmm...

They started with the cavity search – bastards, they did it both! Of course they haven't found anything (what have you thought otherwise, you perv? :P) so they proceeded to the interrogation part. They wanted to know who gave me the SIM card and whom I was about to hand it to. And I was a very stubborn girl once I jumped into the character ;)

Apparently I held up much longer that they expected. So they just kept strapping and strapping me. Quite a few different straps were used and each one was more vicious then the previous one. Somewhere in the middle they tied me down.

I have to say I quite liked Mr. Stranger's voice. His 'give us her name' was very intoxicating. I remember one moment when I actually needed to close my eyes and shake my head to push away that weird sensation. For a moment all I wanted was to tell him everything and curl up on the floor and cry...mmmmmm.....What a bliss.

Eventually, piece by piece I told them what they wanted to know. So...em...yes, they could finally punish me them for smuggling that damn card. Needless to say – bastards! ;) But I went to a very nice place. Mr. Stranger was strapping my legs, my whole body was shaking and my mind was flying...mmmmmm....

That is another such a cool way to meet someone! :)

Sugasm #163

2009-04-23T16:07:00.001+01:00

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #164? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form

This Week’s Picks

Another Night With My Beer Buddy
“She nodded, her eyes closing with pleasure, his arm working.”

Blowjob in Red
“My voice descended into lust.”

Her dirty talk got me off. twice.
“Why does that turn me on so goddamn much?”

Sugasm Editor
Sex Work And Honesty: The Correct Answer

Editor’s Choice
Stockinged Feet

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Abused by a Stranger 1

2009-04-20T22:58:00.002+01:00

I’m a shy person – no secret really. New situations are always horrible, meeting new people is a nightmare. Oh, I do like to know people, I just hate meeting them. Or rather I hate being so utterly shy when I meet them. Or something like that ;) It makes me always so quiet I can barely mutter a word. So I can hardly really get to know anyone. It’s not so traumatic now as it used to be, but still it’s some sort of a ‘thread’ for me ;)

But there IS a good way to break my shyness. Bet you can guess what it is ;).

While ago HH decided to introduce me to his kinky friend. There was a bit of thinking how to make it as little 'stressful' as possible. Bet you don't get that kind of problems in your life ;)

So, let me tell you the cruel way HH thought of. Just before Abel (Yes, that cruel Abel from Spanking Writers ;) I bet you can judge how cruel he really is when you read all those horrible things about punishing poor girl he writes on his blog) came I was forced to strip, my hands were cuffed and attached to hooks (cuffs, not my hands ;) ) and I was made to stand on my toes on a piece of tree – too small to put both feet on it! Speaking shortly I was nicely presented…to the man I have never seen before! (isn't it hooooooooot? :) )

Just before Abel entered the room I somehow managed to earn myself a caning and greeted him with four nice and straight cane lines on the front of my thighs.

Throughout the previous part of the weekend I have been a kidnapped victim trained to be sold. Abel was the first person to see the effectivenesses of my training. He was not a potential buyer, just an assessor.

They both had a bit of conversation about me while HH tried to make me look at 'the assessor'. But I was too embarrassed to even open my eyes. The both readily agreed ‘not quite ready yet to be sold’

Then Abel was invited invited to spank me – not that he really needed any invitations. It really hurt, his hand was vicious, I lost my balance and for a moment I was in suspension trying desperately to find that tiny piece of tree with my foot.

Later he picked up a nasty, wide prison strap. First stroke, I managed to keep quite, second – I squeaked, third – I screamed, fourth – I yelled, loud.

Wasn’t really that hard, but it landed quite high for me, so I yelled – not really a surprise :P.
He apparently wasn’t sure whether it wasn’t too much. With the corner of my eye I saw him putting the strap away.

‘Oh, don’t stop,’ HH reassured him.

I could feel a bit of hesitation from Abel, for a second. Eventually though he picked up the strap again and gave me few more stroked.

Isn’t it cute to have friends that will make sure you won’t end up under-beaten? ;)

Later my breasts got abused as well and I was set free. I was blushing like hell and I was so, so embarrassed. Finally I made myself look at Abel and we both laughed hugging each other.

It’s so brilliant to meet people like that! :) I don’t have to do anything, no awkward talking, and within minutes I have the feeling I know that person more than some of the vanilla friends I know for months. Well, at least my body knows that person LOL And yes, I know I’m a very lucky girl ;)
Thanks guys!!! :)